So I listened to a sermon today and I really enjoyed what the pastor was saying. He was preaching from Ephesians 2:19-22:
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
The pastor really got into teaching about us knowing Jesus and not just being religious. He also talked about the importance of the Bible and how it can help us do the right thing, especially in tempting times.
What I liked the most was hat he said about knowing Jesus vs. religion. He says that many people will read what the Bible says about life in Christ is one way and our expectations of life in Christ another way. Many experience religion but few experience Jesus. Religion does not bring about freedom, peace and life...but rather brings frustration and weight. There is no peace is just showing up to church and pursuing moral goodness. I can testify to that. Why are most of us coasting? No wonder we hide what's really going on. We're taught what we should and shouldn't do...and then feel bondage due to lack of Jesus.
We need a firm foundation in our life, which the above verses talk about the prophets and apostles (and in some versions it talks about the law *AKA The Bible*) and of course Jesus the corner stone. Which could be the piece in a building which is on the ground and in the corner...OR it could be the very middle piece at the top of the arch. You remove that piece and the whole arch will crumble. Nothing matters in Christianity if we are being religious as opposed to knowing Jesus.
Now comes my confession. I often feel guilty and like a bad Christian because I struggle with spending time with God. I may read my Bible on occasion...but am I REALLY spending time with God? I don't think so. I don't like the heaviness I feel from religion. But it's my fault for choosing religion over choosing Jesus. I try to control my walk with God and by doing so it has hindered me. I fear showing God who I really am which is absurd since he knows me better than I do. I fear getting close and seeing what is wrong with me or seeing what God wants me to change. If I keep God at a distance I can still be a Christian but how I want to be. There is no joy in this. Although I would say I am a reasonably happy person...I lack joy. I lack the pure joy found in Christ. I also lack the freedom of grace. I know I am forgiven...my head knows it..but I don't let my heart feel it. Instead I allow Satan to control my heart. I feel guilty, weighed down, and lacking joy. I have a hard time freely praising God because I have put up walls. Why do I fear showing who I really am?
I want Christ. I want all of him. I don't want the religion of Christianity...I want Jesus. I want him and his perfectness and his backwards kingdom. I want his love, I want his grace and I want his joy. I want to walk with hi daily and not feel guilty. I want to experience the freedom he has given me. I want to feel the grace he has bestowed on me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a conversation goes like this:
Person A: "Hi, how are you?"
Person B: "Good and you?"
Person A: "Good"
Really? Are you REALLY good? You're not struggling with anything? You don't have any doubts or fears or sadness? If not...that's fantastic! But let's be honest...sometimes life sucks and we need to admit it and come to each other for comfort and help. I need to be real with God and I need to be real with you.
Confession #2 - At church on Sunday I started to cry because I was having a bad day. I was not able to praise God through the music...so I felt discouraged. Then I was having a hard time focusing on the sermon..so I thought I should read the Bible instead...but I couldn't focus on that either. So at that point I was annoyed, frustrated and feeling guilty. My heart was hard and I looked around and wondered how many people were feeling like me? Who else was annoyed? Who else was frustrated? Who else was discouraged? Who else felt like a terrible Christian? I suspect more than I think. Sometimes I think church in general is cheesy. I don't just mean my church...I mean church in general. But what I find beautiful is people coming together, being real with each other and doing life together....REAL church. How beautiful. I know Sunday mornings are good and so much good can come out of them...so God will hopefully be working on my heart so that I don't see Sunday mornings as cheesy. I still think church is good for sure..please don't get me wrong....but I see so much more beauty in people being real and doing life together. On Sunday I wanted to hide the fact that I was having a bad day. How embarrassing to cry in church...and to not know a lot of people. It's hard to be real with others..because it makes us vulnerable. I think God can work with people in any sort of state but I think he would see people being vulnerable as something beautiful. How much easier is it to meet with God when we make ourselves vulnerable.
It is my desire to be truthful with where I am at in life. I even fear writing this blog because I mention that I think Sunday morning church is cheesy sometimes. Will this get me in trouble or will it not look good because I am a "pastor's wife"? I don't know...all I know is that I don't have it all together, I make mistakes, life sucks sometimes, I often feel like a terrible Christian and I wonder how God can use me.
I want ALL of us to be truthful and vulnerable. I want this for everybody at GCC. We don't have it all together...so let's not pretend we do. I am sure some people are honest and vulnerable and I think that is amazing. But for the rest of us who don't...who ask hard questions, who question God's existence, who question his grace, who question his goodness, who question his motives, who question his actions, who question why life sucks sometimes (or maybe all the time for some people), then why don't we question together. We can struggle together, learn together and grow together. We are the body of Christ.
Although I doubt many youth will read this...I want you to know that Nathan and I want to be vulnerable with you. If life sucks, we want to tell you. If life is amazing, we want to tell you. If we suck at spending time daily with God, we want to tell you. If we are growing in our faith in leaps and bounds, we want to tell you. We hope that by us being transparent...you will feel the courage to be transparent with us..and if you do, I thank you because it takes courage to ask questions or admit when there is temptations and failures.
That's it for today...if you read all the way through...congratulations! I didn't anticipate this being so long. Until next time..
