I am not enjoying life right now. In the heat of the moment I might say I hate my life but I don't think that's true. I'm just not satisfied.
I am ridiculously tired. I don't even know what it is like to feel refreshed and energized. On a good day I feel like I can actually do stuff but I'm still tired. On a bad day I'm an emotional train wreck and feel like I need to hide myself from the world and this is hard.
I rarely see any friends because I'm so exhausted. Then I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help because I've been a bad friend and haven't hung out with anybody. So I feel isolated and alone. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me and love me unconditionally.
Today I was thinking about why I am not enjoying life. Where is my joy? Am I so self-focused that I forget God? He showed me that I'm trying to find fulfilment in a clean house or a good marriage or by being a good Mom. These things may bring happiness for a time but not fulfilment. How do people find joy in difficult times? I feel guilty because I actually do have a good life. I have 'it all' and yet I'm not happy.
I know the answer is God. But how do I get there? I don't know. I'm left feeling angry and hopeless. I just wish God would change my situation but that doesn't change my heart and then I miss the lesson in all of this.
I don't even know if people realize how hard life is for me right now. I don't always open up and share because I feel so negative. Who wants to be around a negative person? I also feel bad because I can't physically go to family events as easily as I used to because it requires long drives with a toddler and then we both end up exhausted and miserable and it doesn't seem worth it. I hate missing family stuff and feel like a disappointment when we don't show up. But I have to take care or me and my son and right now that means not always going to events. But that's hard because I want to be a people pleaser.
Bring me to a place where I can worship you God. Bring me to my knees to find my joy and fulfilment from you. Help me to see the grand picture as opposed to the day to day struggles. Help me. I can't go on like this. Change my heart. I know a situation change does not bring me closer to you but the hard times do. So let this be a time where I draw closer to you. I can't do this on my own. Thank you for being with me when I don't feel it. Thank you for loving me in my anger and lack of love. Thank you for an amazing husband who supports me. Thank you for the people praying for me. Thank you for a son who doesn't hold things against me. Thank you that I can get through each day. All I can say is help.
UPDATE (September 20, 2014) **I'd just like to add that this is not true of every day. For some reason after I wrote this post originally, things have gotten better. I have some more energy, my son isn't having as many temper tantrums and I'm enjoying life more. I've had many good days this past week and am so thankful. When my next tough day comes, I need to remain positive.**
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