The End of Religion?? The Quest to KNOW God

I'm not sure if the movement of calling Christianity a relationship versus a religion is a more recent thing or if it has been around a long time. I guess it doesn't matter. A few years ago I realized that Christianity is not a religion but more of a relationship. It is also a faith.


In the past few months I have been feeling very spiritually dry. I would try different techniques to try to get closer to God...such as: have a set Bible reading plan, listen to the Bible on CD, listen to online sermons and write out Bible verses so I can memorize them. Although these are all good things, none really brought me closer to God. I haven't really felt satisfied in life or felt joyful in a long time. I know this is because I feel so distant from God. 


I went to a prayer room at the beginning of December and felt so angry at God because of this distance I feel. I cried out to God very honestly in my journal. "WHERE ARE YOU" I would shout in written form. Then I saw a Bible verse on a box that felt like God was giving it directly to me: 


John 16:22 -So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy 


This was exciting! It was as if God was telling me that this is a difficult time spiritually but that it will get better. I was very excited about this.


Time went on and I still felt spiritually dry. Of course, this is my fault since I wasn't seeking out God. Then Nathan and I got together with some friends for prayer. I wanted to bring up feeling spiritually dry but we just started to pray and I didn't get a chance to share. However, when my friend was about to pray, she started to tell me that God wants me to let go of what I am carrying and to just follow him. Hmmm how did she know? I truly believe God was telling her to tell me this. I often feel guilty for my sins, often don't feel good enough to come before God and to just be. I have a hard time accepting his forgiveness and a hard time accepting that he loves me. This message was freeing...because although I know these things...that I am loved, that I don't need to feel guilty, that I can let go of my past sins, etc...this message was more personal. 


Fast forward to today. I'm still not satisfied with how dry I feel. I often long to know God intimately but for some reason have a hard time pursuing him. So as I was thinking about this it hit me.....I am religious. I don't have a deep relationship with God because I still "do" Christianity as if it were a religion...and THAT is why I feel dry. That is why I don't want to read my Bible. That is why I dread going to church some weeks. Because it all feels like a religion. It's something I feel I "have" to do as opposed to "want:" to do. But now I have my answer. I now know why I dread all of these things. It's one step closer to knowing God more intimately and one step away from religion. 


All I have to say about religion is that it is tiring and a lot of work. I avoided God because I hate religion. Now that I realize this...I'm on a quest to KNOW God. To REALLY know him. I've been frustrated lately because I have a hard time hearing God. So I ask "How can I have a relationship with God if it feels one sided?" Well I'm on a mission for this to change. I don't want religion anymore...I want relationship!


My friend wrote a book titled "The End of Religion" - I read it a few years ago and enjoyed it...but I can't really remember it...perhaps now is a good time to read it again!


Well, there is my heart spilled out on the internet for everybody to read. Sometimes in order for me to understand what is going on in my heart, I need to write (or type) it out. It's embarrassing to share this with the world, especially since I am in a volunteer leadership position to lead those younger than me spiritually...but perhaps somebody out there is feeling what I am and can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they aren't the only ones feeling this.


So begins me journey to KNOW God.