I am reminded tonight of the God I serve. He's not some God way out there who doesn't care about us. He's SO personal. He's SO big! Lest we forget that God can move mountains and part seas. Lest we forget that God can raise the dead and heal the sick. Lest we forget that he sends angels to help people and deliver messages. Lest we forget that ORDINARY men and women in the Bible got to experience God in extraordinary ways. Calling fire down from Heaven. Surviving a lions den. Surviving a fiery furnace. Maybe you wonder why you don't have experiences like these. Have you stepped out of your comfort zone lately and followed God? Almost each time an AMAZING event happened in the Bible, people were putting their life on the line for God or they were obeying him. Maybe we can't call down fire or see crazy miracles or feel God's presence because we're sitting comfortably in our living rooms behind our screens.
Lest we forget WHO God is and WHAT he can do. Lest we forget that one day we will stand before him. Maybe it's time we jump into the deep end and trust God and take him at his word and see if he comes through.
I like to write my thoughts because it helps me process things. This blog is here to help process what God is teaching me each day.
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Saturday, 20 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 20, 2014 - DAY 102 (Cross)
Last night I started to watch The Passion of the Christ and finished it tonight. Oh my gosh. What a reminder of how much Jesus loves us. What gets me is that he says "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34 RIGHT after they nail him to the cross. What love. What forgiveness.
Watching the movie got me thinking of the verse:
Luke 9:23 - Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
After seeing the brutality of what Jesus went through on the cross (as best as I can see it by watching a movie made 2000 years after Jesus actually died..) I don't even know what it means to take up my cross. I realize it means following Jesus life and example. He loved his enemies. He forgives them. He cares for the poor and the widows and the fatherless. He shows mercy to those who don't deserve it. He is the ultimate example of love, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. I get all that. But what does it REALLY MEAN in my day to day life? Jesus said his followers will be persecuted. I haven't really been persecuted in my life. Not really. I don't have people hate me for following Jesus.
So I guess this post isn't so much of what I know as so much of what I don't know? I don't know what it means to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Jesus. Maybe I have the head knowledge to an extent, but I'm not sure I'm really living it out. I shall continue to ponder this.
What I do know is that Jesus was glad to go to the cross for us. He did it in love. He chose it. He IS love.
Watching the movie got me thinking of the verse:
Luke 9:23 - Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
After seeing the brutality of what Jesus went through on the cross (as best as I can see it by watching a movie made 2000 years after Jesus actually died..) I don't even know what it means to take up my cross. I realize it means following Jesus life and example. He loved his enemies. He forgives them. He cares for the poor and the widows and the fatherless. He shows mercy to those who don't deserve it. He is the ultimate example of love, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. I get all that. But what does it REALLY MEAN in my day to day life? Jesus said his followers will be persecuted. I haven't really been persecuted in my life. Not really. I don't have people hate me for following Jesus.
So I guess this post isn't so much of what I know as so much of what I don't know? I don't know what it means to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Jesus. Maybe I have the head knowledge to an extent, but I'm not sure I'm really living it out. I shall continue to ponder this.
What I do know is that Jesus was glad to go to the cross for us. He did it in love. He chose it. He IS love.
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 16, 2014 - DAY 98 (Authority)
Is Jesus really God in your life? Is he in mine?
Tonight I listened to a sermon that talked about Jesus' authority and why Christians deliberately ignore Jesus' commands.
1) We ignore his commands because we think Jesus wants us to be happy. We couldn't actually be happy if we followed the command to: _______________. (Break up with a non-Christian, stay married to our spouse, quit getting drunk, etc...you fill in the blank for your own life.) We think Jesus wants us to be happy all the time but in reality he wants us to be joyful, not necessarily happy. He has some hard commandments that won't bring happiness...but they are for our joy and our benefit.
2) We abuse God's grace and figure we can ignore whatever command we want because God will forgive us anyway. Tricky tricky tricky. How many of us do this? ME!
3) There was a 3rd reason but I totally forget it right now.
So then I turned to Luke 9 where I am currently reading from and lo and behold here are some key verses that pop out to me:
Luke 9:23-26
23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26 Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
I mean come on. What does it mean to FOLLOW Jesus. To DENY ourselves? Jesus didn't sit around and talk about God. He was out DOING. How many of us sit around and just TALK. GUH. This is such a struggle for me right now.
I don't actively live out ALL of the gospel. I don't tell my neighbours about Jesus. I don't tell my extended family about Jesus. Why? Because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me or that they won't be saved anyway. Really? My 'looking good' is worth them going to Hell? Terrible.
Why else do I not tell people? Because I'm ashamed!! I don't know of what....but obviously I fear looking stupid so I don't tell people. Shame. BUT LOOK AT THOSE VERSES!!! "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them...."
So there it is. I abuse God' grace and think that God will forgive me for not telling people about him. I abuse it. I deliberately ignore his command to tell people about him and then expect him to forgive me.
I expect my son to listen to me and follow my instructions. I do it for his safety, his benefit and his joy. I don't have rules to make life hard or make him unhappy. I do it for his good. I do it to raise him well. I do it so that he'll become a man of God and a well mannered child and one day adult. I do it so he won't hurt himself. So why do I ignore God's commands sometimes and expect otherwise?
Tonight I listened to a sermon that talked about Jesus' authority and why Christians deliberately ignore Jesus' commands.
1) We ignore his commands because we think Jesus wants us to be happy. We couldn't actually be happy if we followed the command to: _______________. (Break up with a non-Christian, stay married to our spouse, quit getting drunk, etc...you fill in the blank for your own life.) We think Jesus wants us to be happy all the time but in reality he wants us to be joyful, not necessarily happy. He has some hard commandments that won't bring happiness...but they are for our joy and our benefit.
2) We abuse God's grace and figure we can ignore whatever command we want because God will forgive us anyway. Tricky tricky tricky. How many of us do this? ME!
3) There was a 3rd reason but I totally forget it right now.
So then I turned to Luke 9 where I am currently reading from and lo and behold here are some key verses that pop out to me:
Luke 9:23-26
23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26 Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
I mean come on. What does it mean to FOLLOW Jesus. To DENY ourselves? Jesus didn't sit around and talk about God. He was out DOING. How many of us sit around and just TALK. GUH. This is such a struggle for me right now.
I don't actively live out ALL of the gospel. I don't tell my neighbours about Jesus. I don't tell my extended family about Jesus. Why? Because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me or that they won't be saved anyway. Really? My 'looking good' is worth them going to Hell? Terrible.
Why else do I not tell people? Because I'm ashamed!! I don't know of what....but obviously I fear looking stupid so I don't tell people. Shame. BUT LOOK AT THOSE VERSES!!! "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them...."
So there it is. I abuse God' grace and think that God will forgive me for not telling people about him. I abuse it. I deliberately ignore his command to tell people about him and then expect him to forgive me.
I expect my son to listen to me and follow my instructions. I do it for his safety, his benefit and his joy. I don't have rules to make life hard or make him unhappy. I do it for his good. I do it to raise him well. I do it so that he'll become a man of God and a well mannered child and one day adult. I do it so he won't hurt himself. So why do I ignore God's commands sometimes and expect otherwise?
Friday, 12 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 12, 2014 - DAY 94 (Fulfillment)
I am not enjoying life right now. In the heat of the moment I might say I hate my life but I don't think that's true. I'm just not satisfied.
I am ridiculously tired. I don't even know what it is like to feel refreshed and energized. On a good day I feel like I can actually do stuff but I'm still tired. On a bad day I'm an emotional train wreck and feel like I need to hide myself from the world and this is hard.
I rarely see any friends because I'm so exhausted. Then I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help because I've been a bad friend and haven't hung out with anybody. So I feel isolated and alone. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me and love me unconditionally.
Today I was thinking about why I am not enjoying life. Where is my joy? Am I so self-focused that I forget God? He showed me that I'm trying to find fulfilment in a clean house or a good marriage or by being a good Mom. These things may bring happiness for a time but not fulfilment. How do people find joy in difficult times? I feel guilty because I actually do have a good life. I have 'it all' and yet I'm not happy.
I know the answer is God. But how do I get there? I don't know. I'm left feeling angry and hopeless. I just wish God would change my situation but that doesn't change my heart and then I miss the lesson in all of this.
I don't even know if people realize how hard life is for me right now. I don't always open up and share because I feel so negative. Who wants to be around a negative person? I also feel bad because I can't physically go to family events as easily as I used to because it requires long drives with a toddler and then we both end up exhausted and miserable and it doesn't seem worth it. I hate missing family stuff and feel like a disappointment when we don't show up. But I have to take care or me and my son and right now that means not always going to events. But that's hard because I want to be a people pleaser.
Bring me to a place where I can worship you God. Bring me to my knees to find my joy and fulfilment from you. Help me to see the grand picture as opposed to the day to day struggles. Help me. I can't go on like this. Change my heart. I know a situation change does not bring me closer to you but the hard times do. So let this be a time where I draw closer to you. I can't do this on my own. Thank you for being with me when I don't feel it. Thank you for loving me in my anger and lack of love. Thank you for an amazing husband who supports me. Thank you for the people praying for me. Thank you for a son who doesn't hold things against me. Thank you that I can get through each day. All I can say is help.
UPDATE (September 20, 2014) **I'd just like to add that this is not true of every day. For some reason after I wrote this post originally, things have gotten better. I have some more energy, my son isn't having as many temper tantrums and I'm enjoying life more. I've had many good days this past week and am so thankful. When my next tough day comes, I need to remain positive.**
I am ridiculously tired. I don't even know what it is like to feel refreshed and energized. On a good day I feel like I can actually do stuff but I'm still tired. On a bad day I'm an emotional train wreck and feel like I need to hide myself from the world and this is hard.
I rarely see any friends because I'm so exhausted. Then I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help because I've been a bad friend and haven't hung out with anybody. So I feel isolated and alone. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me and love me unconditionally.
Today I was thinking about why I am not enjoying life. Where is my joy? Am I so self-focused that I forget God? He showed me that I'm trying to find fulfilment in a clean house or a good marriage or by being a good Mom. These things may bring happiness for a time but not fulfilment. How do people find joy in difficult times? I feel guilty because I actually do have a good life. I have 'it all' and yet I'm not happy.
I know the answer is God. But how do I get there? I don't know. I'm left feeling angry and hopeless. I just wish God would change my situation but that doesn't change my heart and then I miss the lesson in all of this.
I don't even know if people realize how hard life is for me right now. I don't always open up and share because I feel so negative. Who wants to be around a negative person? I also feel bad because I can't physically go to family events as easily as I used to because it requires long drives with a toddler and then we both end up exhausted and miserable and it doesn't seem worth it. I hate missing family stuff and feel like a disappointment when we don't show up. But I have to take care or me and my son and right now that means not always going to events. But that's hard because I want to be a people pleaser.
Bring me to a place where I can worship you God. Bring me to my knees to find my joy and fulfilment from you. Help me to see the grand picture as opposed to the day to day struggles. Help me. I can't go on like this. Change my heart. I know a situation change does not bring me closer to you but the hard times do. So let this be a time where I draw closer to you. I can't do this on my own. Thank you for being with me when I don't feel it. Thank you for loving me in my anger and lack of love. Thank you for an amazing husband who supports me. Thank you for the people praying for me. Thank you for a son who doesn't hold things against me. Thank you that I can get through each day. All I can say is help.
UPDATE (September 20, 2014) **I'd just like to add that this is not true of every day. For some reason after I wrote this post originally, things have gotten better. I have some more energy, my son isn't having as many temper tantrums and I'm enjoying life more. I've had many good days this past week and am so thankful. When my next tough day comes, I need to remain positive.**
Sunday, 7 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 7, 2014 - DAY 89 (The KING)
I've never lived in a country with a king. Although I respect my government, I doubt our government system is anything like kingdoms...especially back in Jesus times.
I was reminded today that Jesus is my king. This is a hard concept to grasp since I haven't lived in a kingdom before. But if I think about Israel when they were free from Egypt and they wanted a king and God said "I'm your king" but they said they wanted an earthly king...and then it didn't go well.
I try to be my own queen. I'll do what I want when I want it. Isn't this how many of us live? Do we truly follow the king? If he asks something of us, do we say yes? I am willing to guess that in Jesus' time, when a king asked people to do something, they had to do it. If they didn't, they likely were imprisoned or killed. How gracious is our king? SO gracious! But I don't want to be known for treason. I obviously don't make a great queen. I better let God be the king in my life. Gosh this is hard sometimes. But he is GOD. Who are we to say no to God?
I was reminded today that Jesus is my king. This is a hard concept to grasp since I haven't lived in a kingdom before. But if I think about Israel when they were free from Egypt and they wanted a king and God said "I'm your king" but they said they wanted an earthly king...and then it didn't go well.
I try to be my own queen. I'll do what I want when I want it. Isn't this how many of us live? Do we truly follow the king? If he asks something of us, do we say yes? I am willing to guess that in Jesus' time, when a king asked people to do something, they had to do it. If they didn't, they likely were imprisoned or killed. How gracious is our king? SO gracious! But I don't want to be known for treason. I obviously don't make a great queen. I better let God be the king in my life. Gosh this is hard sometimes. But he is GOD. Who are we to say no to God?
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 3, 2014 - DAY 85 (The Pursuit)
I listened to a great sermon tonight. The question it essentially asked is:
Are you pursuing God OR are you pursuing being good.
I think in many ways I'm just trying to be good. Perhaps I can do this ________ better. (This being whatever, nothing specific.) Or maybe if I spend an hour a day listening to a sermon, my life will be more joyful or I'll grow closer to God...or whatever.
I don't even know if I know how to pursue God. I suppose like a dating relationship, you spend time with them, you woo them, etc. But with God it's different because he actually already pursued us. But how do I turn my affections toward Him? How do I fall more in love with Him? I suppose one way is to read the Bible and find out God's heart. Because if I realize how loving God is and GET IT, then how could I not love him more? But how else? I don't know.
Tonight I decided to lay down and just be with God. I listened to 2 different songs and focused on Jesus' face. I know I don't know what he looks like, but I did it anyway. And I let him woo me. We danced. Not literally, but in the spirit. I pictured me and Jesus dancing and I focused as best as I could on his face.
Then I thought about how God loved me enough to die for me and to switch places with me. How could he love me this much? Then he asked me a simple question:
"If somebody came to you and said, I'll torture you for 10 hours or I'll torture your son for 10 hours. Which would you prefer?" OF COURSE I'D CHOOSE ME!! How could I ever choose my son?
Ding ding ding.
"How could I ever allow you to suffer when I love you so much" - God.
Then I thought about how evil I am. How could he do it with me being so evil? But the truth of the matter is that no matter how whiny or disobedient my son gets, I love him and would still choose me in the moment of torture.
God you are so good. What a loving Dad. Thanks for the revelation tonight God.
Are you pursuing God OR are you pursuing being good.
I think in many ways I'm just trying to be good. Perhaps I can do this ________ better. (This being whatever, nothing specific.) Or maybe if I spend an hour a day listening to a sermon, my life will be more joyful or I'll grow closer to God...or whatever.
I don't even know if I know how to pursue God. I suppose like a dating relationship, you spend time with them, you woo them, etc. But with God it's different because he actually already pursued us. But how do I turn my affections toward Him? How do I fall more in love with Him? I suppose one way is to read the Bible and find out God's heart. Because if I realize how loving God is and GET IT, then how could I not love him more? But how else? I don't know.
Tonight I decided to lay down and just be with God. I listened to 2 different songs and focused on Jesus' face. I know I don't know what he looks like, but I did it anyway. And I let him woo me. We danced. Not literally, but in the spirit. I pictured me and Jesus dancing and I focused as best as I could on his face.
Then I thought about how God loved me enough to die for me and to switch places with me. How could he love me this much? Then he asked me a simple question:
"If somebody came to you and said, I'll torture you for 10 hours or I'll torture your son for 10 hours. Which would you prefer?" OF COURSE I'D CHOOSE ME!! How could I ever choose my son?
Ding ding ding.
"How could I ever allow you to suffer when I love you so much" - God.
Then I thought about how evil I am. How could he do it with me being so evil? But the truth of the matter is that no matter how whiny or disobedient my son gets, I love him and would still choose me in the moment of torture.
God you are so good. What a loving Dad. Thanks for the revelation tonight God.
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 - DAY 84 (Not Yours)
I was reminded tonight that everything I am and everything I own is God's. The sermon wasn't just talking about money either. My children are God's. My husband is God's. My house is God's. Everything. Am I being a good steward?
In some areas I think yes. I think we use our money reasonably wisely. We are generous and although the world may look at how we spend our money and think we're foolish, I think God is proud. I take alright care of my house. I clean it regularly and when something breaks, Nathan fixes it. But I certainly didn't take good care of my garden. I had TONS of weeds. So that's an area I can improve on.
My body is an area that could definitely be worked on. I eat a lot of sugar and so not exercise. Although I'm considered skinny and a healthy weight, I know how I treat my body isn't good. But it's not mine, so I need to do better.
My time. Man I waste so much time. God didn't give me 24 hours to waste 4 of them a day. I certainly need to use my time better.
My kids. I let Jace watch a reasonable amount of TV in a day because I'm lazy and exhausted. Obviously I can do better in this area.
My husband. I don't always respect Nathan or choose my words wisely. I can definitely treat him better and love him more.
So yes, there are lots of areas for improvement. God reminded me very clearly, it's not mine. I need to take care of what he gave me.
In some areas I think yes. I think we use our money reasonably wisely. We are generous and although the world may look at how we spend our money and think we're foolish, I think God is proud. I take alright care of my house. I clean it regularly and when something breaks, Nathan fixes it. But I certainly didn't take good care of my garden. I had TONS of weeds. So that's an area I can improve on.
My body is an area that could definitely be worked on. I eat a lot of sugar and so not exercise. Although I'm considered skinny and a healthy weight, I know how I treat my body isn't good. But it's not mine, so I need to do better.
My time. Man I waste so much time. God didn't give me 24 hours to waste 4 of them a day. I certainly need to use my time better.
My kids. I let Jace watch a reasonable amount of TV in a day because I'm lazy and exhausted. Obviously I can do better in this area.
My husband. I don't always respect Nathan or choose my words wisely. I can definitely treat him better and love him more.
So yes, there are lots of areas for improvement. God reminded me very clearly, it's not mine. I need to take care of what he gave me.