I'm Exhausted

I feel like some days I genuinely have things all together and other days I just want to stay in bed. October was a terrible month. Almost always at least 1 person was sick in our house. My son was waking up literally all hours of the night (one night he was awake at 1:15am and refused to go back to sleep.) So thankfully he's gotten way better. But I'm still exhausted. 

Instead of looking to God for help, I'm tried to manage things on my own. I'm failing big time. After yet another terrible sleep last night, I almost burst into tears today when I saw somebody write about their kid sleeping through the night. Thankfully (A BIG THANKFULLY!) Jace is a good sleeper....but Jed...well, here we are. 

Besides lack of sleep, I'm just drained in general. It is exhausting trying to keep up with house work, meals, the kids, and any social activities. How do people do it? How do women in foreign countries with little help and difficult labourous jobs do it? I don't know. The know how to dig deep. They do what they have to. 

I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a little depression or spiritual attack. Either way, God is my answer. He has to be. Last night after crying a lot and just feeling overwhelmed by very little house work, I was talking to God and he gave me good instruction. I was feeling guilty over not spending quality time with Him. By the end of the day I have very little energy for relationships. I'd love to start the day with God by myself but I never know when my children are awake....and during their quiet time I'm also exhausted. Basically I'm always exhausted and right now in this season of life, I feel overwhelmed. Anyway, his instruction was to take baby steps right now. If I don't get to reading my Bible but spend a small amount of time in prayer (even 5 minutes). it's better than 0. Then in a week, maybe I can up it to 10 and add in 5 minutes of Bible reading. Like learning to run, you have to walk first. 

I know after being a Christian for so long that this shouldn't be an issue...but right now it is. It takes everything in me on days like today to get my child 1 more thing they're requesting from the fridge. It takes me everything in me to make myself presentable and to get out the door to greet the world. To do anything more than basic house chores. To work out. To eat well. To put effort into my marriage. To not lose it on my kids.

This song just randomly came to mind. I better listen to it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K71EYID22l4

Psalm 130:5 &6 - I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

This is all I can do. 

Dear Christians (Re: Trump and Clinton)

Dear Christians,

I am sad this morning. I am sad because I see a lot of us saying a lot of mean things about Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. Okay granted they are not perfect. Granted they have made a lot of mistakes. Granted that we want the best leading a country and we believe others could do a better job. But, they are the two people in the running. It's not somebody else. It's them. Trump and Clinton. 

So why does it bother me that people are being so mean? It bothers me because as Christians we are called to a higher standard. I'm not saying we need to agree with how the candidates are acting or that we need to agree with their words, choices, actions, etc. But what I am saying is that we need to love them. Saying mean things on Facebook about them isn't loving. In conversations while talking about the election, our words should be dripping with love.

Honestly, I'm not sure I've seen a lot of love from Christians during this election. And what baffles me more is that most of the comments I am hearing or reading are from Canadians. They aren't even going to be our leaders. Yes the US affects our country too, but it is still no excuse for us to be unloving. I'll admit that I've said my share of mean comments about the candidates and for that I'm sorry. 

Remember, people are listening to us. People are watching us. May our lives reflect the love that is in us. May our lives reflect Jesus. We follow Jesus after all.

We need to be praying for our leaders and the leaders of our world. Instead of bashing Trump or Clinton, why not pray for them. For their salvation. For their choices as leaders. For the US as a whole. They are our brother after all. We need love not hate.

1 Timothy 2: 1 & 8

 Therefore I exhort first of all that you make supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings for everyone, for kings and for all who are in authority...

Therefore I desire that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath or contentiousness. 

Goodbye/Hello

As I sit here and reflect on the last 5 years of my life, I feel like I have so much to say. We're about to embark on a new journey in a different city and leave behind beautiful Guelph.

What can I say about my time in Guelph? For starters, I learned so much more about the Holy Spirit than I have in the past. I didn't really know or understand His role in my life prior to living here. But through different friends, Bible studies, sermons, pastors, etc. I got to know Him. I hear God more directly than I have before. I understand better His desire to be personal with me. I've had visions, prophecies, seen people healed, heard angels sing and followed God. I still have a long way to go but I feel confident leaving Guelph that I know God more personally than when I first came to Guelph.

This city is where our 2 beautiful boys were born. After 3 years of infertility, some friends fasted and prayed over me and the next month I conceived Jace. God healed me in Guelph. It is also in this city that God taught me about His healing power. After Nathan's brother was in a motorcycle accident that  left him paralyzed and after God healed me of infertility I needed to know the truth about healing. Why did God heal me of infertility? What does that mean for other people? What does He want? So I chased after the truth and learned a lot. It put me out of my comfort zone. I prayed for strangers and family and friends. Some were healed, some were not. I will keep pressing on.

I met so many amazing people in Guelph. Other moms. Home church people. Christians. Non-Christians. Awesome neighbours. People who supported us. People who became friends who quickly turned into family. People who babysat for us for free. People who came over when I was going crazy with a baby. People who made us meals or cleaned for us when times were tough. People I will never forget. People I will miss dearly. People I love.

We moved to Guelph originally because Nathan got a youth pastor position. We learned a lot. We made mistakes. We hope God used us despite our mistakes. After 2 years of being a pastor, God changed our views about church and how it is done. Because of that, Nathan stepped down from his position. After some time passed, God confirmed (3 or 4 times) that we should start a house church. We did. We had no idea what we were doing. Now that we're finished home church, I wonder how effective we were. It's easier for me to look at our shortcomings then it is to look at our strengths. Again, we learned a lot. We made mistakes. But I think God did use us despite all of it.

The next chapter in our life doesn't surprise me but it's always a roller coaster ride with God. What do you do when the God of the universe asks you to pack up and move cities with no job? You do it!  It's a whole long story but the gist of it is, we had confirmation from God to go, so we go. The good news is, before getting there, Nathan did get a job offer for a 1 month position. A position he's technically not qualified for. Hello God! Always taking care of us. Beyond August, who knows what is next. All I know is that God is working and we're doing our best to obey.

I'm going to miss Guelph. The city atmosphere. The mayor. The fact that I could walk to the river in the forest with my boys and play in it. The 12 parks within walking distance. The early years. The library. My friends. My street and neighbours. My house. The health focus of the city. The fact that little shops can flourish in a city with big chained stores. My No Excuse Moms. My playgroup moms. The splash pad. So many memories. So many friends. I am sad to leave this chapter of life but excited for the next.

Beside the obvious changes of city, job, etc etc etc. we have other big changes coming up too. I'll be turning 30 this year! woo woo. I can't wait for a new decade. I'm pumped to be 30. Jace also starts JK this September. We'll be home schooling him, so that will also be a big change. Nathan needs to find a job for September. I'm also super excited to live near my family. My parents will only be 35 minutes away instead of 90! YESSS. Words can't describe my excitement to be near them. We'll also be a 1 minute walk away from my aunt and uncle and cousins. It'll be awesome getting to know them more and doing life with them.

Off we go!

My Thoughts on the US Election

I am not a political person. I rarely know what political parties stand for and who is doing what. Whether I'm right or wrong in this apathy, for now, it is the case. 

Because the US campaign is really long, it is hard not to take notice even though I'm Canadian. I've heard many things, looked into many things and come to my own conclusions. But my conclusions are cynical and judgmental. I find myself making statements such as "Either way the States are screwed" or laughing at posts about when the US laughed at us for having Rob Ford in power but then below the caption is a picture of Trump and Hilary. The reality of my laughter and the reality of my statements are very sad. Because this isn't the heart of Jesus. He wept over Jerusalem for not knowing the truth. Why am I not weeping for Canada and the States? Instead of judging my own government for their evil or judging the States for theirs, why am I not on my knees daily crying out for change and salvation? Why can't we have a Prime Minister who loves Jesus and daily goes to God for help? We could! It doesn't have to be somebody else, it can be Justin Trudeau! He could know God. He could love God. He could run this country under God's rule. Trump and Hilary could love God. They could run the US under God's rule. It doesn't have to be somebody else. 

My amazing humble, God loving, God fearing, searching for more and more friend Jill is such an awesome example to me. I went on FB yesterday and saw a picture of her and her friend in the capital of the States. I remembered that they went to the US yesterday to attend a prayer rally for change in the States. They weren't there to protest. They weren't there to cause a stir. They were there with their brothers and sisters in Christ crying out to God for the US to be changed for the better. That God would reset this generation. They are there worshiping God.  She;s not on FB making fun of the political leaders in the running, she not making judgmental claims about them, she is simply crying out to God for change. It's not even her own country and she is crying out for them. Why? Because she loves them. Because she loves God. Because she knows the States could be better. 

In my situation I can't up and leave and go to prayer rallies all the time. I've got a husband who works, 2 young kids who I stay home with and a house to manage. However, that is no excuse to not love and pray for our governments. I don't have to be at a rally to pray for the US or Canada. I can get up early and do it. I may be 1 person, but God can use 1 person. 

This morning I read some things in the Bible fitting to my post. Lets be humble. Lets not be judgmental. Lets pray for our leaders. Lets follow Jesus if we call ourselves Jesus followers. I realize government should be held accountable. I don't know the proper way about doing this. I don't think posting on FB is the way. But I don't know the way. So until I know how to help keep our government accountable, I will just pray for them. Here is what I read in the Bible:

Matthew 5:3-11 -

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad,because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Luke 6:27-36 - 

Love for Enemies

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Let us love our government, pray for them, weep for them and help them. Whether they need to be held accountable for their actions, whether they are trying to lead in a way totally against what God desires, we need to love them and pray for their salvation. Get on your knees, not on FB.

Fasting

Matthew 9:14-15

14 Then John’s disciples came and asked him, “How is it that we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples do not fast?”

15 Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.

Matthew 6:16-18 

6 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

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I have to say. I am terrible at fasting. I didn't grow up fasting. I don't think I even learned about fasting and I didn't know anybody who fasted (or maybe they did and I just didn't know it). I've tried it a few times and truthfully I hate it. I love food. I think about food a lot. I also don't always understand fasting. So I've 'successfully' fasted a few times but not sure how spiritual it really was. 

I want to fast. I believe it is important. Jesus commands us to fast. "They WILL fast", "When you fast" (not IF you fast). So it's got to be done. So my search continues. I do want to understand it better before I regularly fast. Otherwise I just get angry and starve myself but don't know why. Boy do I get angry. Anyway, on my search to learn more I came across this short video. It's the best explanation I've gotten so far and I've listened to a few sermons.

Check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kzJRABgLXw

"I need you"

"I want you"

"I long for you

"You are my treasure"

"I want more of you"

"Fasting is the exclamation point at the end of those sentence." - John Piper

GAH I need more of God. I do need more of a desire. Because sometimes I am still so apathetic! 

Focus?

Where is your focus lately? What do you think about the most? Honestly, I've been thinking a lot lately of how to shed a few pounds. I look in the mirror a lot and wonder how to get rid of the extra weight. Or I think about food...constantly. Or what exercises to do. I also think about our upcoming move. How can I get ahead of packing. How can I clean ahead of time. How will it work on the day we move? Will we make friends in the new city. I will miss a lot of people in my current city. My focus is so focused on superficial things, that I am not looking at God and His big picture. 

Of course I need to be healthy and take care of the body God gave me. But I've been obsessing. That's not His plan for me. To make my health an idol is not good. I've also been so focused on our move that I am not looking at the here and now. Who is hurting around me? Who can I love on? Who can I be a shoulder to cry on. Who can I be Jesus' hands and feet to?

If you read or watch the news, you know so many sad things are happening in our world, everywhere. I just saw a short video of a car bombing in Baghdad. Are we so numb it doesn't affect us anymore? Well for me, it hasn't always. It's the other side of the world, I didn't see it happen, out of sight, out of mind. But what got me this time was the line "125 dead, 200 wounded, officials say most were children".  Adult or child, this is a devastating event. But when I think of my two children, ages 1 and 3, I can't fathom them living in this. Bombings. 

Who cares if I have a few pounds to lose. Who cares if I move in a month. Who cares about anything when people are dying and hurting and needing Jesus. They need love. Everybody. Everybody needs love. Terrorists need love. Victims need love. Your neighbour needs love. Your teacher or classmates need love. Your family needs love. Your boss and coworkers. The person at the bus stop needs love. The person behind in the line at the grocery store needs love. So does the cashier. 

What are we doing if we're so focused on ourselves and not the big picture. Not on God? We're wasting time and not doing what really matters. Focus. What and who needs our focus?


Matthew 6: 21 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 4:19 - And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

He Has Lifted Up The Humble

This morning while I was reading through Luke 1, I was struck by how humble Mary (the mother of Jesus) was. Of course the mother of Jesus would be humble, but it just seemed incredible to me. 

After Gabriel told Mary that she will give birth to the Messiah and explains it to her, her response is:

v.38 "I am the Lord's servant,"   A servant is not a proud position. It is a lowly humble position. Of all the people of all of history, Mary could be proud. She is the mother of Jesus (God!). Nobody else in history can say that. Yet we never see her bragging. 

When Mary visits her relative Elizabeth, this is Mary's words.

 And Mary said:

“My soul glorifies the Lord
47     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
    of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49     for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
    holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
    from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
    he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
    but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
    but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
    remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
    just as he promised our ancestors.”

She praised God. She knows she is humble and God took notice. She knows who God is and how mighty He is. She knows that God does not like a proud attitude. She also knows that the only reason she was chosen to be the mother of Jesus was because of humbleness. It was not because she was amazing on her own will. The glory goes to God. She doesn't get proud even after she was chosen for the task. She was humble prior to the task and humble after the fact.

As I sat down dwelling on these verses, I wondered how people can be humble. How do people do it? I often find myself being proud and not humble. So I asked God "How do people stay humble?" And I love that he responded right away! (Always handy to hear God...because I don't always!)

His response was along the lines of "Stay focused on me. When you focus on yourself, you will get proud. But focus on me and others. Where your focus is, there is where you will be proud."

I don't believe it is wrong to be proud of ourselves when we accomplish a new task or have worked hard for something. However, our focus always needs to be on God. As soon as our eyes are off of God and on ourselves, pride will rise. 

Lord help me to be humble. I can't do it without you. 

Follow Me

Luke 9:23 - "Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'"

Deny yourself. What does this mean? So many things. In a culture where I am free to praise Jesus without fear of losing my life, it means giving up TV to spend time with God. It means losing sleep in order to spend time with God. It means loving somebody instead of being impatient or angry with them. It means telling the gospel to my neighbors unashamedly. It means so many things.

So many things that scare me. Why am I so afraid to give up me? I really don't know why because me isn't cutting it. Me gets impatient with my children a lot. Me complains a lot. Me wastes time on useless things. Me can be very lazy. Me has idols. Me is selfish. Me is prideful. Me is arrogant. Me is judgmental. Me is the opposite of Jesus. Me needed Jesus and that's why I called out to Him. I needed him and now I have him. So what am I so afraid of? Why am I afraid to let myself go when I know I am ugly on the inside when I don't have Jesus? When I'm not being like Jesus. I know myself, it's not pretty. It shouldn't be hard to deny myself. But I don't always deny myself. Because I like TV. I like running away from God. I like feeling justified when I am impatient or angry. I like my rights. But I don't get to have rights with Jesus. I need to lay them down.

2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

THANK GOD. When I am being angry or selfish or judgmental or anything evil, it's no longer me doing it. The old me is gone. The new me is here. So I have to deny myself because that's not me anymore.

Take up their cross daily.  Uh oh. You know what that means. Death. First I have to deny myself. Then I have to die to myself. Again, this seems so difficult and I really don't know why.As I said, I know me. I should be okay with it. I'd like to point out the daily portion of this verse. DAILY. Daily I have to take up my cross. I like that God knew we would need to do this everyday. As if he knew we wouldn't 'get it' but rather would struggle with it and have it give up ourselves every day for him. 

Follow Me. I like this part of the verse the best. Maybe it seems the easiest and that's why. But when I really think of it, following Jesus isn't easy. He dedicated his life to the Father. He healed people. He raised people from the dead. People judged him. People made fun of him. People abandoned him. People disobeyed him. One of his closest friends handed him over to be killed. He was persecuted. He had no permanent home. People misunderstood him. He listened to the Father and followed his instructions even to his death. Despite all that he went through, he did it with a great relationship with God. He had the Holy Spirit's help. Sure Jesus got tired, and angry and had to deal with a lot, but it was all worth it. He changed the world. He taught us true love. He reconciled us with the Father. 

So do you truly want to follow Jesus? Do you follow Jesus? I think as Christians we toss around the phrase "I'm a follower of Jesus" so casually but don't actually do it. Do you heal people? Do you love everybody? Do you submit to God and truly make him Lord? Do you raise people from the dead? Is your life fully dedicated to the Father?  I understand we are human, we make mistakes and that's where grace comes in. But please consider today if you follow Jesus and what that truly means and looks like. What does it mean to deny yourself? What does it mean to pick up your cross daily? What does it mean to follow Jesus?