Instead of looking to God for help, I'm tried to manage things on my own. I'm failing big time. After yet another terrible sleep last night, I almost burst into tears today when I saw somebody write about their kid sleeping through the night. Thankfully (A BIG THANKFULLY!) Jace is a good sleeper....but Jed...well, here we are.
Besides lack of sleep, I'm just drained in general. It is exhausting trying to keep up with house work, meals, the kids, and any social activities. How do people do it? How do women in foreign countries with little help and difficult labourous jobs do it? I don't know. The know how to dig deep. They do what they have to.
I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a little depression or spiritual attack. Either way, God is my answer. He has to be. Last night after crying a lot and just feeling overwhelmed by very little house work, I was talking to God and he gave me good instruction. I was feeling guilty over not spending quality time with Him. By the end of the day I have very little energy for relationships. I'd love to start the day with God by myself but I never know when my children are awake....and during their quiet time I'm also exhausted. Basically I'm always exhausted and right now in this season of life, I feel overwhelmed. Anyway, his instruction was to take baby steps right now. If I don't get to reading my Bible but spend a small amount of time in prayer (even 5 minutes). it's better than 0. Then in a week, maybe I can up it to 10 and add in 5 minutes of Bible reading. Like learning to run, you have to walk first.
I know after being a Christian for so long that this shouldn't be an issue...but right now it is. It takes everything in me on days like today to get my child 1 more thing they're requesting from the fridge. It takes me everything in me to make myself presentable and to get out the door to greet the world. To do anything more than basic house chores. To work out. To eat well. To put effort into my marriage. To not lose it on my kids.
This song just randomly came to mind. I better listen to it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K71EYID22l4
Psalm 130:5 &6 - I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
This is all I can do.
Hey Julie, I want to thank you for your honesty. You have no idea how refreshing this post today helped me! You may be asking yourself, " how can my fatigue and feeling overwhelmed be refreshing????!!!" Well first of all, I truly believe it is healing, mature, and risk taking to put ourselves out there with how we really feel. Yet as believers we are to help carry one anothers burdens, truly listen, and sometimes simply cry with another. I have felt the same way lately. It is like we are disappointing others and ourselves. Then add the flu season to this mix and well, it is a volcano of chaos flowing out of control. It is okay to feel like this. At some point you and I will learn something,big or small and we will move forward. I have been sick for a month now. I have let one of my clients down many times, but her house is a lot of work and if I have a cold I can't do it without making myself more sick. Looking back I probably should never have taken this job! I am so thankful they are moving Nov 30, out of Guelph, so I won't be stretching myself so thin any longer. Who is thankful they are losing work...ME!!! I went beyond my limits. My mind says I can do this job, then my body tells me "no you can't.Sometimes we need to know our own boundaries and limits. It has been really nice to have this extra money and not be stressed financially, but I can't take on another client once they move. And I need to trust God.
ReplyDeleteWe need to know it is okay if the house isn't cleaned every 2nd day, heck once a week sounds good to me. We can't do it all. And God does not expect us to do it all. I understand when feeling sick makes every problem enormous, but need to remember it is not. Others expectations of us are not necessarily the right choice for us. Our own expectations are not necessarily the right choices either.
Love being a mom Julie :) Embrace it, make the memories, explore, do the unexpected (like having dessert before lunch on one of those rougher days! I did that things like that and it lightens the load). The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. Time with God does not necessarily need to be long. Having a strategy/focus will make it powerful. Make that minute, or five minutes count. Pick up your armour, take back your ground, you are a princess warrior of the almighty Father. You are not alone Julie.
This post was refreshing for me because it helped me bring my focus and strategy back to God also. And remember to take time for yourself (it is not selfish) at least once a week, whatever that looks like for you....a bubble bath, an hour alone with worship music, a walk outside with God. Thank you for helping me get back on track, may God bless you and give you peace and joy Julie!!