Today I decided I would spend at least 30 minutes in prayer and then spend the rest of my time reading the Bible. Let's just say I spent 30 minutes alone on confession and asking God for help in areas I struggle in. When I consciously think about my day or week, and ask God to reveal to me areas I messed up in, the thoughts come flooding. I mean I already know a lot of my mistakes and could name them easily but sometimes I don't know about other areas. God doesn't fail to show me where I need to confess.
Tonight's confessions started with how I've messed up as a Mom. Since Jace was born, I quickly learned how selfish I am. Apparently I still struggle with selfishness 19 months later. This selfishness is also seen in my relationship with Nathan. I've noticed lately how selfish I am in my marriage. God help me. There were many more confessions beyond selfishness. Another area I struggle with in general is pride. I often think of myself as better than others. Perhaps I use my money more wisely (in my mind), or am a "better Christian" or a better mom, wife, _______(fill in whatever blank), etc. So I confessed that pride and asked God to humble me. To REALLY humble me. Because pride is not something to just easily shed. I can't try harder. God has to change me. I can't be humble on my own will. Obviously or I'd be in a better spot right now. But if he humbles me greatly, then I can walk much more like Jesus. I want to be like Jesus and I am so far from it. So I confessed a whole lot of stuff and asked God for help since I can't change my wickedness on my own strength.
I moved on to thankfulness. I have much to be grateful for and take much for granted. I sincerely thank God that I am able to put my child to bed without him being hungry. I ache for the parents who can't afford to feed their kids. Thankfully I don't just ache for them, I do something about it by giving food often to the local food bank as well as support a child through World Vision. I've realized lately that if I am bothered by something, I need to be the answer. I won't solve world hunger. But maybe just maybe I can help put a kid to bed with a full stomach. So I'm thankful and want to share those blessings. We all need to be Jesus. Talking about something or hurting for a cause is useless unless we have action. I like the Bible verse that says faith without works id dead (James 2:17). I know I have a long way to go to live this out, but it's slowly happening.
I also thanked God for my family and in-law family. I have heard horror stories from others about their families and I am grateful for a family that loves me, supports me and encourages me. I am SO thankful my family members are also followers of Jesus. What a blessing it has been to grow up in a Christian family.
I also prayed for my friend's kids whose father recently passed away. Tomorrow is the memorial service. What a difficult Father's Day this will be for them. I wept for them. I know God will bring comfort in their suffering, but I still wept. Because death is hard. Very very hard. Thank God we have hope because of Jesus.
Next I moved on to read 1 Peter 1:13-2:3. The theme of this section is to live a holy life. A few key verses I enjoyed include:
"...set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed."(1:13) - To JUST focus on Jesus and only Jesus seems so refreshing at this point in my life. If I only focus on God then everything is truly okay. Hardships come, but nothing can take away my Jesus and the hope I have in him! Beauty.
"...live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear." (1:17) If I could live as a stranger in this world fully, man would I live differently. To also live in reverent fear always, would definitely change the way I live. I'd spend money differently, spend my time differently, talk about different things, do different things, etc.
"...love one another deeply from the heart." (1:22) - This is a struggle for me. I've been asking God to help me love since I know I struggle major in this area.
"Like new born babies, crave spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.." (2:2) When reading this verse, it hit me that I am beginning to crave spiritual milk. I want to grow up in my salvation. I don't know if I'm still a spiritual baby or not. But I know I need to just CRAVE more of God. I can't grow if I don't crave and get fed. Makes sense.
Today I wept a lot. Maybe it's hormones, maybe the Holy Spirit, maybe both. I wept for friends. I wept for my sins. I wept because I need help. I wept because God is good. I wept because He spoke to me tonight. I wept because I have much to be thankful for. I wept because I'm starting to desire God more.
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