JUNE 25, 2014 - DAY 15 (Pride and Idols)

Despite the fact that I've spent at least an hour with God daily for over 2 weeks now...I still always dread my time with him. WHY??

If God is as amazing as I claim he is....and if it is always beneficial for me to meet with him, why do I dread my time? It really bothers me that as a follower of Jesus, I don't want to spend time with him. This REALLY bothers me.

So I decided I should spend my hour in prayer asking God for help and trying to figure it out.

I was reminded of a sermon I listened to a few months ago about why we can't hear God's voice (I think). I hoped I had written something down in a journal from the sermon but I couldn't find it. But the answer came through another journal entry. PRIDE and IDOLS get in the way of hearing God's voice. I assume the two also get in the way of my desire to spend time with God.

While pondering why I don't desire God as I think I ought to, God also said one reason is because I don't believe he is who he says he is. If he is 100% loving and 100% full of grace and not here to condemn me and is rather here to love and support me....then I shouldn't avoid him. But somehow deep down in my sin I think I'm not good enough for God. Surprise Julie - you're not! I know that is the answer and it's OK that I'm not good enough because God loves me anyway....but I still run.

So I've got some confessing I need to do after this post. The three areas I need to confess and ask for help in are:

1) Not believing God is who he says he is
2) My pride
3) My idols

I desperately just want to desire God more. I want to be one of those people that long for those precious moments alone with God. I heard of true story of a woman who spent her mornings with God and then went about her day. But everyday her God time was spent in the same spot in her house. Throughout her day when she passed by the spot she would tear up and couldn't wait for the next day. I want to be her.

Or this missionary in India who spends 3 hours with God each morning. He doesn't even tell people about his 3 hours, he just does it. My hour is disgusting compared to his 3 especially since I dread my hour and he can't wait.

Anyway I need to go to bed and while falling asleep I need to ponder this some more. Obviously I have some sin I need to confess and get out of my way because I want to be the one who could spend 24/7 with God and not be bored. I want to long for Him. I want to blush when I think about God. I want my hour to seem like 5 minutes. I want to be the person who gets up early to start my day off with God.

I've got a long way to go!