So often I run from God. I feel like a failure over and over again and then guilt and shame set in. So I run. Can you say Adam and Eve?
So today was no exception. I knew I still had to do my hour with God (as a promise to him to fulfil at least an hour a day hanging out with him for the next year to the best of my ability) and I stalled. And I stalled and I stalled and I stalled some more. The dishes needing doing. I had to check my emails and regular websites. Perhaps I could spend the hour just watching 'Christian' videos but not REALLY spend time with God.
It didn't work.
I finally caved and decided first to watch a video (stall) about God's goodness toward us. The video has been SO helpful in my journey with God. Here it is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suMhQ3ETCyI
I'm sure I have blogged about this video before. The whole point of the video is that NO MATTER WHAT, God still loves you and me. One of the first times I watched this video a few years ago, the Holy Spirit revealed such basic truths to me that were life changing. I figured if the video was good to watch a few years ago, it should be good now. I watched it twice. I then watched a music video twice. I still had 38 minutes to go. Time to journal my thoughts to God.
Here is what I wrote:
"God I always feel like a failure and then I run from you. Over and over again I expect judgement and harshness. Why do I believe this lie? Why can't I rest in you based on the prodigal son story. I should read it again. (So I did. It's found in Luke 15 - go read it!)
You're so good God. You're not even angry at the prodigal son. You're just happy he's home.
God I hand you my shame and guilt I'm feeling. If you say I'm your daughter and if you don't condemn me then I won't let Satan condemn me either. Thank you that I'm free. Thank you for carrying my burden. Also I gladly accept the line (Luke 15:31) 'Everything I have is yours.' Gosh how good is that??!!
WISDOM
HEALTH
KNOWLEDGE
LOVE
JOY
PEACE
PATIENCE
KINDNESS
GOODNESS
GENTLENESS
FAITHFULNESS
SELF-CONTROL
INTIMACY
NO WORRIES
I'll take it all.
Okay now that my confession is out of the way, let's chat! Is there anything you want to say to me today?
Jesus: 'Hello beloved, welcome home. Rest in my arms awhile. Get used to this feeling. You never have to go back to that feeling of guilt and shame again. Ever again. Because remember, if I don't condemn you, who can? No one. That's who.'
Me: 'I love it Lord. You're so good. How can you be so loving to me when I treat you so poorly in return?'
Jesus: 'Because I made you. I chose you. You're mine. How could I not love you?'
Me: 'Your perfection is mind blowing. I can't comprehend your goodness. Your no strings attached love.'
Jesus: 'I know. I made you that way. Your brain is limited. But soon you will see clearly. But for now, it is like a broken mirror.'
Me: 'Very Biblical of you' ;)
Jesus: :D 'Thanks! I did write it.'
Me: 'Okay I want to blog. Thanks again God. I don't understand but I'm thankful.'
Jesus: 'You're welcome daughter.'
End journal entry...
So that was my hour with God. I confessed my guilt and he reminded me I'm not condemned. We chatted about it and I'm so blown away. I truly can't comprehend his goodness or his no-strings attached love. It makes no sense. But I'll take it. If only I ALWAYS lived without guilt or shame. Knowing I'll never be condemned again. How great is that! I hope I can live like this more often. It's so good.
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