OCTOBER 11, 2014 - DAY 123 (Soldier)

I am a soldier of Christ.
I march to the beat of His drum.
I fight the good fight on my knees.
I need to be disciplined.
The devil will never stop fighting which means I should never stop fighting.
I don't have a choice, I have to be a prayer warrior.
People's salvation depends on it.
I cannot push back the gates of Hell unless I am fighting.
I do not fight alone.
The army is vast and out leader is great,
We look to Him for the battle plan.
He is our only hope at survival.
I fight because I love those around me.
I fight because I love Him.
I fight because He loved me first.


I was reminded tonight that we are in a great spiritual battle. I am not a prayer warrior. But I should be, because Satan never stops fighting. "When you live at war, you live differently than a time of peace." - Paul Washer. If we take a break, Satan doesn't. We will be wounded. Our loved ones will be wounded. We need protection. We have to fight. I will not stop fighting for those I love. As a Christian I am automatically enlisted as a soldier for Jesus. So I fight.

SEPTEMBER 25, 2014 - DAY 107 (Lest We Forget)

I am reminded tonight of the God I serve. He's not some God way out there who doesn't care about us. He's SO personal. He's SO big! Lest we forget that God can move mountains and part seas. Lest we forget that God can raise the dead and heal the sick. Lest we forget that he sends angels to help people and deliver messages. Lest we forget that ORDINARY men and women in the Bible got to experience God in extraordinary ways. Calling fire down from Heaven. Surviving a lions den. Surviving a fiery furnace. Maybe you wonder why you don't have experiences like these. Have you stepped out of your comfort zone lately and followed God? Almost each time an AMAZING event happened in the Bible, people were putting their life on the line for God or they were obeying him. Maybe we can't call down fire or see crazy miracles or feel God's presence because we're sitting comfortably in our living rooms behind our screens.

Lest we forget WHO God is and WHAT he can do. Lest we forget that one day we will stand before him. Maybe it's time we jump into the deep end and trust God and take him at his word and see if he comes through.

SEPTEMBER 20, 2014 - DAY 102 (Cross)

Last night I started to watch The Passion of the Christ and finished it tonight. Oh my gosh. What a reminder of how much Jesus loves us. What gets me is that he says "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34 RIGHT after they nail him to the cross. What love. What forgiveness.

Watching the movie got me thinking of the verse:

Luke 9:23 - Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

After seeing the brutality of what Jesus went through on the cross (as best as I can see it by watching a movie made 2000 years after Jesus actually died..) I don't even know what it means to take up my cross. I realize it means following Jesus life and example. He loved his enemies. He forgives them. He cares for the poor and the widows and the fatherless. He shows mercy to those who don't deserve it. He is the ultimate example of love, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. I get all that. But what does it REALLY MEAN in my day to day life? Jesus said his followers will be persecuted. I haven't really been persecuted in my life. Not really. I don't have people hate me for following Jesus. 

So I guess this post isn't so much of what I know as so much of what I don't know? I don't know what it means to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Jesus. Maybe I have the head knowledge to an extent, but I'm not sure I'm really living it out. I shall continue to ponder this.

What I do know is that Jesus was glad to go to the cross for us. He did it in love. He chose it. He IS love.

SEPTEMBER 16, 2014 - DAY 98 (Authority)

Is Jesus really God in your life? Is he in mine?

Tonight I listened to a sermon that talked about Jesus' authority and why Christians deliberately ignore Jesus' commands.

1) We ignore his commands because we think Jesus wants us to be happy. We couldn't actually be happy if we followed the command to: _______________. (Break up with a non-Christian, stay married to our spouse, quit getting drunk, etc...you fill in the blank for your own life.) We think Jesus wants us to be happy all the time but in reality he wants us to be joyful, not necessarily happy. He has some hard commandments that won't bring happiness...but they are for our joy and our benefit.

2) We abuse God's grace and figure we can ignore whatever command we want because God will forgive us anyway. Tricky tricky tricky. How many of us do this? ME!

3) There was a 3rd reason but I totally forget it right now.

So then I turned to Luke 9 where I am currently reading from and lo and behold here are some key verses that pop out to me:

Luke 9:23-26 

23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26 Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

I mean come on. What does it mean to FOLLOW Jesus. To DENY ourselves? Jesus didn't sit around and talk about God. He was out DOING. How many of us sit around and just TALK. GUH. This is such a struggle for me right now.

I don't actively live out ALL of the gospel. I don't tell my neighbours about Jesus. I don't tell my extended family about Jesus. Why? Because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me or that they won't be saved anyway. Really? My 'looking good' is worth them going to Hell? Terrible.

Why else do I not tell people? Because I'm ashamed!! I don't know of what....but obviously I fear looking stupid so I don't tell people. Shame. BUT LOOK AT THOSE VERSES!!! "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them...."

So there it is. I abuse God' grace and think that God will forgive me for not telling people about him. I abuse it. I deliberately ignore his command to tell people about him and then expect him to forgive me.

I expect my son to listen to me and follow my instructions. I do it for his safety, his benefit and his joy. I don't have rules to make life hard or make him unhappy. I do it for his good. I do it to raise him well. I do it so that he'll become a man of God and a well mannered child and one day adult. I do it so he won't hurt himself. So why do I ignore God's commands sometimes and expect otherwise?

SEPTEMBER 12, 2014 - DAY 94 (Fulfillment)

I am not enjoying life right now. In the heat of the moment I might say I hate my life but I don't think that's true. I'm just not satisfied.

I am ridiculously tired. I don't even know what it is like to feel refreshed and energized. On a good day I feel like I can actually do stuff but I'm still tired. On a bad day I'm an emotional train wreck and feel like I need to hide myself from the world and this is hard.

I rarely see any friends because I'm so exhausted. Then I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help because I've been a bad friend and haven't hung out with anybody. So I feel isolated and alone. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me and love me unconditionally.

Today I was thinking about why I am not enjoying life. Where is my joy? Am I so self-focused that I forget God? He showed me that I'm trying to find fulfilment in a clean house or a good marriage or by being a good Mom. These things may bring happiness for a time but not fulfilment. How do people find joy in difficult times? I feel guilty because I actually do have a good life. I have 'it all' and yet I'm not happy.

I know the answer is God. But how do I get there? I don't know. I'm left feeling angry and hopeless. I just wish God would change my situation but that doesn't change my heart and then I miss the lesson in all of this.

I don't even know if people realize how hard life is for me right now. I don't always open up and share because I feel so negative. Who wants to be around a negative person? I also feel bad because I can't physically go to family events as easily as I used to because it requires long drives with a toddler and then we both end up exhausted and miserable and it doesn't seem worth it. I hate missing family stuff and feel like a disappointment when we don't show up. But I have to take care or me and my son and right now that means not always going to events. But that's hard because I want to be a people pleaser.

Bring me to a place where I can worship you God. Bring me to my knees to find my joy and fulfilment from you. Help me to see the grand picture as opposed to the day to day struggles. Help me. I can't go on like this. Change my heart. I know a situation change does not bring me closer to you but the hard times do. So let this be a time where I draw closer to you. I can't do this on my own. Thank you for being with me when I don't feel it. Thank you for loving me in my anger and lack of love. Thank you for an amazing husband who supports me. Thank you for the people praying for me. Thank you for a son who doesn't hold things against me. Thank you that I can get through each day. All I can say is help.

UPDATE (September 20, 2014) **I'd just like to add that this is not true of every day. For some reason after I wrote this post originally, things have gotten better. I have some more energy, my son isn't having as many temper tantrums and I'm enjoying life more. I've had many good days this past week and am so thankful. When my next tough day comes, I need to remain positive.**

SEPTEMBER 7, 2014 - DAY 89 (The KING)

I've never lived in a country with a king. Although I respect my government, I doubt our government system is anything like kingdoms...especially back in Jesus times.

I was reminded today that Jesus is my king. This is a hard concept to grasp since I haven't lived in a kingdom before. But if I think about Israel when they were free from Egypt and they wanted a king and God said "I'm your king" but they said they wanted an earthly king...and then it didn't go well.

 I try to be my own queen. I'll do what I want when I want it. Isn't this how many of us live? Do we truly follow the king? If he asks something of us, do we say yes? I am willing to guess that in Jesus' time, when a king asked people to do something, they had to do it. If they didn't, they likely were imprisoned or killed. How gracious is our king? SO gracious! But I don't want to be known for treason. I obviously don't make a great queen. I better let God be the king in my life. Gosh this is hard sometimes. But he is GOD. Who are we to say no to God?

SEPTEMBER 3, 2014 - DAY 85 (The Pursuit)

I listened to a great sermon tonight. The question it essentially asked is:

Are you pursuing God OR are you pursuing being good.

I think in many ways I'm just trying to be good. Perhaps I can do this ________ better. (This being whatever, nothing specific.) Or maybe if I spend an hour a day listening to a sermon, my life will be more joyful or I'll grow closer to God...or whatever.

I don't even know if I know how to pursue God. I suppose like a dating relationship, you spend time with them, you woo them, etc. But with God it's different because he actually already pursued us. But how do I turn my affections toward Him? How do I fall more in love with Him? I suppose one way is to read the Bible and find out God's heart. Because if I realize how loving God is and GET IT, then how could I not love him more? But how else? I don't know.

Tonight I decided to lay down and just be with God. I listened to 2 different songs and focused on Jesus' face. I know I don't know what he looks like, but I did it anyway. And I let him woo me. We danced. Not literally, but in the spirit. I pictured me and Jesus dancing and I focused as best as I could on his face.

Then I thought about how God loved me enough to die for me and to switch places with me. How could he love me this much? Then he asked me a simple question:

"If somebody came to you and said, I'll torture you for 10 hours or I'll torture your son for 10 hours. Which would you prefer?" OF COURSE I'D CHOOSE ME!! How could I ever choose my son?

Ding ding ding.

"How could I ever allow you to suffer when I love you so much" - God.

Then I thought about how evil I am. How could he do it with me being so evil? But the truth of the matter is that no matter how whiny or disobedient my son gets, I love him and would still choose me in the moment of torture.

God you are so good. What a loving Dad. Thanks for the revelation tonight God.

SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 - DAY 84 (Not Yours)

I was reminded tonight that everything I am and everything I own is God's. The sermon wasn't just talking about money either. My children are God's. My husband is God's. My house is God's. Everything. Am I being a good steward?

In some areas I think yes. I think we use our money reasonably wisely. We are generous and although the world may look at how we spend our money and think we're foolish, I think God is proud. I take alright care of my house. I clean it regularly and when something breaks, Nathan fixes it. But I certainly didn't take good care of my garden. I had TONS of weeds. So that's an area I can improve on.

My body is an area that could definitely be worked on. I eat a lot of sugar and so not exercise. Although I'm considered skinny and a healthy weight, I know how I treat my body isn't good. But it's not mine, so I need to do better.

My time. Man I waste so much time. God didn't give me 24 hours to waste 4 of them a day. I certainly need to use my time better.

My kids. I let Jace watch a reasonable amount of TV in a day because I'm lazy and exhausted. Obviously I can do better in this area.

My husband. I don't always respect Nathan or choose my words wisely. I can definitely treat him better and love him more.

So yes, there are lots of areas for improvement. God reminded me very clearly, it's not mine. I need to take care of what he gave me.

AUGUST 29, 2014 - DAY 80 (Ultimate)

Tonight I had some really good reminders from the Lord. The easiest way to put it is that God needs to be first. Of course I know this, but do I actually live it out? 

Time and time again God has asked me the question "If I asked you to give up your husband or son like Abraham did with Isaac, could you do it?" and the answer has always been "I don't think so." Now I'm not saying God is going to ask me to physically sacrifice my family. I know this. But metaphorically, could I do it? I really don't think I could. Another way to put it, the night before I left for China, I thought about how I'd be smuggling Bibles into China. Was this going to be dangerous? Would the mission trip leaders put our lives at risk? Could we go to jail? I didn't know the answer at the time. For the longest time, it excited me. But the night before I left, when I held my son in my arms before bed, I wept. What if I went to jail in China and didn't come back for years. I wouldn't get to see Jace grow up. Could I do it? Well I got on the plane and I did smuggle Bibles but I learned beforehand that it wasn't unsafe. So that made the ability to do it much easier. But God again asked me the night before I left "Do you love me more?" And I wasn't so sure. I didn't want to go to jail. I didn't want to die. I wanted to go, smuggle Bibles and come home SAFE. I loved the comfort of safety and the ability to be with my family more than I loved doing what God asked. 

Is God first in your life? In easier ways, are you willing to give up something you love that he is asking you to give up? Perhaps it's an addiction or a TV show or certain music. Maybe you need to change habits or who you hang out with. Or on a more difficult level, would you die for Jesus? Would you go to jail for him? Would be risk your life if he asked you to do a dangerous mission?

Luke 14:33 - 

In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

Hebrews 12:1-3 - 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Luke 14:27 -  And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

I think on some level we all struggle with this. Can we recklossly abandon ourselves to him? Because we need to count the cost and what it means to FOLLOW Jesus. Following means we DO what he did. So are we sharing the gospel with our loved ones and neighbours and co-workers? Are we dying to ourselves? Are we apologizing when we're in the wrong? Are we forgiving others? Do we get angry and explode on others? Do we love others? Do we say things we shouldn't or do things and ignore what the Bible says? All I know is that God needs to be first and following him is not easy.

AUGUST 28, 2014 - DAY 79 (Heart)

Jesus is always after our heart. He doesn't want us to do the right thing unless our heart is changed and we choose to do the right thing. If we're just doing the right thing to please God or appease him, we're in the wrong.

So do we run when he wants to deal with the hard stuff? I often do. I can busy myself with religious duties, like daily devotions, church work, feeding the homeless, etc. but keep God at an arms length. How is it that I use him to push him away?

Do I genuinely have affection toward God? Do I love him? Do I want to serve him? Do I want to follow him? OR do I just want to keep him at an arms length and say how much is enough before getting uncomfortable. I think the reality is that I keep him away and do "as much as I need to" without having to change my heart.

Here's where I get confused though. After listening to a sermon tonight on this very topic, I decided to sit down and actually talk to God about all of this. Because if I don't....I can easily walk away and busy myself. The conclusion I came to is that I can't change my own heart. I can't muster up affection for God. I can't be less selfish. So what else can I do but confess and ask for help? I actually don't know. I can't try harder or work harder. God is in the business of changing hearts.

UGH heart work is SO hard. It IS easier to just go on my way and stay the same. But where is the gain?

AUGUST 27, 2014 - DAY 78 (Heart Change?)

Two years ago, on this day, my brother-in-law was in a bad motorcycle accident. Thankfully he didn't die, but he was left paralysed from the chest down. Two years later he still cannot walk and has little to no movement in his legs. There are numerous reasons why I believe he will be healed. For starters, God told my sister-in-law to trust Him in Michael's healing. Many family members have had dreams and visions of him standing up and being healed. So I trust it to be true. But as time goes on....I start to trust less and less.

I used to pray for Michael a lot. I prayed for his healing, I prayed for his marriage and for his well being. Now I don't pray nearly as often. I think mostly because I just think either God will heal him or he won't. Why does my prayers matter. Will it hasten healing? Do my prayers matter? Will God REALLY heal him?

Since today marks 2 years, the situation was on my mind a lot today. One thing God asked me today was:

"If Michael stood up right now and was fully healed, how would you be different from these past 2 years?"  Would I be more like Jesus? Obviously I want a situation change. I want to see Michael healed. But has my heart changed through this process?

I think in every situation in life, especially the big life events, we can allow them to shape us more like Jesus or not. In this case, I think I've changed some things, but maybe my heart hasn't changed.

Since Michael was injured, I've turned to the Bible a lot to see what it says about healing. My mind set about healing has definitely changed in the last 2 years. I also took a healing course and went on a mission trip because of Michael's accident. But these things didn't change my heart. So my mind has changed, but my heart? I don't know. I don't know that I am more like Jesus because of this situation and that makes me sad. How have I wasted 2 years that could of been life-changing.

Anyway, it was a good reminded today that I need to be coming to God more often about Michael. It was also a good reminder that I can be more like Jesus through this process. I don't know how yet, but I will take some time to ponder that and see what the Holy Spirit says.

AUGUST 26, 2014 - DAY 77 (KNOW OF vs. KNOW)

Luke 13:24-27 

He said to them, 24 “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. 25 Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’

“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’

26 “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’

27 “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’

YIKES! Did you catch what the people said to Jesus? "We are and drank with you, and you taught in our streets." And he still says...I never knew you.

How many people THINK they know Jesus will all they know is about him? This scares me A LOT.  Read these verses too:

Matthew 7:21-23

21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

WHAT THE HECK?? How do people think they're going to Heaven when they're not? Is this me?? What is the will of the Father? Well according to Matthew 7, it's not works. Because people did the works (prophecy, drive out demons, perform miracles) and it didn't work. So what is the will? That we know Jesus. Once we KNOW Jesus, we'll do those works anyway. But we don't do the works to get into Heaven. We do the works because we love Jesus.

So do you KNOW Jesus or just about him? Because I can know a lot about a celebrity but not know them. I can read all the books and know many little details...but never meet the person once. Let this not be us with Jesus. 

AUGUST 25, 2014 - DAY 76 (Fruit Trees)

So often I hear a difficult teaching of Jesus and just ignore it. Perhaps he doesn't REALLY mean turn the other cheek, sell all of your possessions and give to the poor, pray for those who persecute you, love your enemy,_________, etc.. (You can fill in the blank).

Luke 13: 6-9

6 Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. 7 So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’

8 “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. 9 If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”

Am I producing fruit? Am I worth keeping around because I'm useful? Or am I fruitless and wasting God's time?

Sometimes I think both. I think I do a reasonably good job at giving to the poor or helping people in need. But then I often feel convicted because I'm not sharing the gospel. I think sharing the gospel with others is the ultimate fruit. That's why I'm here. I'm supposed to follow Jesus. All he did was share the gospel. So then I think I'm fruitless.

Thankfully God is BOTH of the people in this parable. He wants to cut down useless trees because he is so holy and demands nothing less but purposeful trees. BUT God is also loving and gracious and willing to work with trees who are not producing fruit. But someday the tree WILL be cut down if it doesn't produce fruit. Even the gracious person in this story said so. 

So I can't ignore Jesus' teachings forever. I have to produce fruit. But I can't just stick out my limbs and say "GROW FRUIT GROW" and hope for the best. I can't make fruit appear. But I can allow the gardener to work on me so that I do produce fruit. 

Oh God help me.

AUGUST 24, 2014 - DAY 75 (Practice)

Today I was reading in Luke 9. I've read these verses many times but today something was new to me. I love when that happens. The Holy Spirit can make verses fresh - so good. 

So what was new was the fact of looking at the disciples as apprentices. Prior to this experience, the disciples went with Jesus everywhere and watched what he did. They simply watched. Now he gave them the power and authority to do it too. They were practising what he taught them. Eventually Jesus would die and rise again and go to Heaven and they'd be 'on their own'. Not actually because they get the Holy Spirit, BUT they wouldn't have Jesus physically there with them.

At what point do I stop watching Jesus (reading the Bible) and go out and do? I realize that I should be reading (watching) AND doing. But I often stop at just reading. 

Nathan and I want to start a home church with people on our street. So far we don't know anybody who is Christian on our street. How will we do this? We haven't figured it out yet. But we keep praying. Eventually we have to LIVE out what we see Jesus doing. Ugh I feel so lost on how to do this.

Here are the verses I was talking about:

Jesus Sends Out the Twelve

9 When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, 2 and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 3 He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. 4 Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. 5 If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” 6 So they set out and went from village to village, proclaiming the good news and healing people everywhere.

7 Now Herod the tetrarch heard about all that was going on. And he was perplexed because some were saying that John had been raised from the dead, 8 others that Elijah had appeared, and still others that one of the prophets of long ago had come back to life. 9 But Herod said, “I beheaded John. Who, then, is this I hear such things about?” And he tried to see him.

AUGUST 22, 2014 & AUGUST 23, 2014 - DAY 73 & 74 (God's Presence & Jesus)

AUGUST 22, 2014 - 

I listened to an interview today about practising God's presence. I often hear this phrase and wonder what it means. Apparently we're always in God's presence but it doesn't always feel like it. What does it feel like to be in his presence and know it?? I don't really know. A few times I have felt God in a physical form as a wind. These times were so precious to me. Who am I that God would reveal himself to me in this way? But other than that, I don't know what it's like.

In the interview, both people talked about how they feel God's presence. One talked about how when she is in God's presence she never wants to leave. She could stay there forever. Um what is this like??? The other person talked about when he was a pastor, often he'd show up at work and the presence of God was so thick in his office that he would spend 12 hours no problem just him and God, praying to God. WHAT? What the heck? What does this mean??? 

So first of all, I have to fight off jealousy. Obviously I'd love to experience what these 2 people experience. Secondly I have to fight off lies. It's hard to believe that God would allow me to experience this. But God DOES want a deeper relationship with me. I can experience his presence. It may not look like it did for these 2 people, but it can and will happen in whatever form God chooses.

So I spent the evening listening to worship music and laying on the ground.  I imagined where Jesus would be if he was physically in the room. I decided that we would likely be laying down together and snuggling. It would be intimate but not in a sexual way. Anyway, I spent about 30 minutes doing this until I was interrupted by my sick son. It felt nice for sure but I still long for more. What are the two people talking about? Will I ever experience God to the degree they have? Do I need to do something to get to that place or is it all by God's grace? I don't know. All I know is that I have to believe that God DOES want an intimate relationship with me and does want me to experience his presence.

AUGUST 23, 2014 - 

Today I was reading more of Luke. Jesus is such an interesting guy. I love this story:

Jesus Raises a Widow’s Son (Luke 7:11-17) 

11 Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him. 12 As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. 13 When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.”

14 Then he went up and touched the bier they were carrying him on, and the bearers stood still. He said, “Young man, I say to you, get up!” 15 The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.

16 They were all filled with awe and praised God. “A great prophet has appeared among us,” they said. “God has come to help his people.” 17 This news about Jesus spread throughout Judea and the surrounding country.

I've never really paid attention to this story before. I mean I've read it but other than the fact that Jesus raises somebody from the dead, it didn't stand out. Today, it wasn't about the fact that Jesus raises somebody from the dead. Today it was about the fact that "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her..." What compassion. She didn't come to him. In his everyday life of going from city to city, he saw her and had compassion on her. He went to her not the other way around. 

This lady had no husband and now no son. She would have no source of income. Jesus not only had compassion on her because she lost a loved one but because of her status in their culture at that time. He gave her back her loved one and her ability to survive.

Jesus is truly beautiful.

And to end this post, off topic - I was praying tonight over my tail bone because it has been in a lot of pain. I could probably see a chiropractor and have ti fixed within a few visits (I think??) but I don't know for sure. ANYWAY, my tail bone isn't fully healed yet but after I prayed and moved on I rolled over and my hip bone or something popped loudly and went back into place. And now it feels a whole lot better. YAY! Thank you God. I shall keep contending for full healing. 

AUGUST 21, 2014 - DAY 72 (Prayer)

As I read through Luke I realize how often Jesus goes away to pray. One time he even spent all night praying before choosing his 12 disciples. I assume in this instance he was praying for direction on which disciples to choose as his specific small group.

But what about the other times? When the verses don't say what Jesus was praying about....I wonder what he was praying about? Was he just worshipping the Father? Was he asking for help? Did Jesus ever have to ask for help? He obviously wasn't confessing sin as he was sinless. Maybe learning what the Father wanted him to do? I don't know.

I feel like when I pray I'm often confessing sin and asking for help. I used to pray more for other people but felt bad because all I would do in prayer is ask God for help. Worshipping him is not very natural for me and this made me sad. When I would worship in prayer, most times it was because I felt like I should instead of want to. I'd still say things I believed to be true, but it felt awkward to do it. So I sort of pulled back on prayer because I don't want to treat God like a genie.

UGH praying is something I am learning. Does it matter how much I pray for others versus how much I worship? Are my prayers ever selfish? Am I forgetting who God is through all of it?

Sigh. So the other day I read the 'Lord's prayer'. Maybe I need to start back at the very beginning. I need to learn to pray. To REALLY pray.

AUGUST 20, 2014 - DAY 71 (Not Feeling It)

I really don't have anything to write today. Perhaps I will only blog when something profound happened or I learned something or whatever. I don't want to not blog and then get lazy...because writing out my thoughts helps me to process things. But today I am just not feeling it.

AUGUST 19, 2014 - DAY 70 (Waiting Aggresively)

I heard a sermon today by a guy who went through a REALLY tough time a few years ago. He lost both of his jobs within 3 weeks. (This was during the recession in The States). He also found out he had cancer and many people he loved passed away. HE couldn't find work and he and his wife and 2 kids had to move in with his parents. He then moved away from his family to take work in a different state before finding something more permanent.

He learned that as a Christian he needs to wait aggressively instead of passively. He needs to be in prayer. He needs to realize God may want to change his heart and not his situation. What could he learn from everything? Would he go deeper with God or get weaker?

These are all questions we can ask ourselves as tough times come our way. I don't have a situation that comes anything close to what he went through. But I do have a brother-in-law who has been paralysed for 2 years and we're waiting for him to be healed. I haven't been waiting aggressively. I've been waiting passively. I ask God to change the situation all the time. But what are we learning as a family? What am I learning individually? Am I growing closer to God through this time. I don't think so because I've been so passive. I want to go deeper and not get weaker.

AUGUST 18, 2014 - DAY 69 (Treasure)

I think I've done a reasonable job over the past however many years of being generous. I have had a sponsor child for 10 years, I've tithed for a very long time, I very rarely don't buy a homeless person a meal when they ask and I often give to charities. But I know I tend to give to a 'limit' and then I get uncomfortable. We have so much money each month set aside specifically to give away. It may be to a friend in need. It may be to buy a homeless person supper, or it could be to support a friend going on a mission trip. Well a few months ago we had already spent all of that and the rest of our budget was pretty tight. Nathan met a few homeless people and a couple needed a new tent. This was over $100. I didn't say no to Nathan but I felt uncomfortable. How will we pay for our bills I wondered? But God revealed to me that I'm only willing to give within my means and past that I don't want to anymore. What's wrong with me?? These people are HOMELESS and we were buying them a TENT! It's not like i was paying $250000 for a mortgage. It was a $130 tent or whatever. I can get over myself. Anyway, that was a good lesson for me. That I need to be willing to give beyond what I've put aside. That generosity runs beyond comfortable.

So I had this new mindset and I think God stretched me. This time my money lesson was sort of about giving but more so about trusting. Nathan is only working part time and I'm not working. Money is pretty tight. We stick to our budget 99% of the time and do our best not to go out often. Although this month we've gone out more than usual....

ANYWAY, our washing machine/dryer recently started to leak. And the lint trap has a crack in it. And to be honest, although we could maybe rip it apart and try to fix it, it's so old that it likely needs to be replaced. At MINIMUM this will cost $800. But we're looking more at $1200 + tax. Well we have the money...and enough money for this months bills and next. But what happens if Nathan doesn't get work between now and the end of September. How will we pay for October? I don't know. But the reality is that I need to focus on God and trust him. 

Luke 12: 22-34

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I want to make sure my treasure is in Heaven and not on earth. Sometimes this is difficult when things break and will cost lots of money. It'd be SO much easier to save up for things like this. But I know God has specifically asked Nathan and I to just give. So we do. We don't get to save for retirement. We don't get to save for the future. If something breaks, he has to come up with the money. In the meantime, we give. We are responsible and pay for our monthly bills, but we always have to give. So we do. This leads me to be uncomfortable sometimes, but God always gently reminds me the trust him and focus on helping others. It's tough! So today's sermon was a good reminder that my treasure needs to be in Heaven and my focus on God. 

AUGUST 17, 2014 - DAY 68 (Worship)

This morning I got up early to spend time with God. I am giving a testimony at a church today and feel totally unprepared. How could God use me? Did I do enough? As if what I say has anything to do with it. The reality is that I could give the best testimony ever and there could be no change in people's hearts. It's up to the Holy Spirit to change people.

Anyway as I was praying and feeling like a total failure and like I have nothing to offer, God told me to just worship him. Instead of focusing on all of the sins in my life that I need to get rid of (like the pride, judgement, control, etc etc etc) to rather focus on him. The more I focus on him, the more I'll become like him. The more I'll see me for how God sees me. Because I'll start to understand who God is and by knowing who God is, I'll know who I am too.

Even though I have such a religious spirit sometimes, God is good. I hope one day I TOTALLY 'get it' and no longer do things in a religious way. I want to live in the total freedom that Jesus offers me.

AUGUST 16, 2014 - DAY 67 (Mom's Night Out)

Lately I've been feeling like I don't want God. Like I don't want to put in the effort and like I see no results anyway. I feel burdened by religion and I constantly fall into the trap of believing lies. I spent 'some time' with God earlier in the day by preparing my testimony for sharing it in front of church. But the time didn't feel like I connected with God. So by the evening time I thought I should do more. But I didn't want to. So I chose to watch a movie instead.

I watched the movie 'Mom's Night Out'. The movie is about a mom who has 3 kids and is totally stressed out in life. Her house is a disaster and her kids are....kids. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and now that she is, she doesn't feel happy. Well talk about me relating. I only have 1 kid and I am SO tired and not often happy. I do what I do because I have to. Besides my husband, who works, there is nobody else to watch my son. And I wouldn't want to put him in daycare anyway. But I'm not fulfilled. I often get annoyed when my son gets into things. Why does he have to touch EVERYTHING? I get so annoyed with him. Anyway, it's not his fault, he's 22 months old. I just need more Jesus - obviously.

So as I watched this movie, God used the movie. He used it to show me that I don't need to be perfect. I can't be the perfect mother. I will make mistakes. My house won't always be clean. I may not always be able to whip up super healthy meals. I may not always look well put together or even be able to shower. I may get frustrated or impatient. I may be selfish. I'm not saying it's okay to sin. BUT it IS okay to sin. I am not advocating that people are allowed to sin and this is right or okay. But what I am saying is that God is gracious. I don't want to abuse this grace but I can't be perfect Mom. I can't be perfect wife. But I CAN spend time with God daily and allow him to change me. Hopefully a year from now I'll be a better mom and wife. Hopefully 5 years down the road I'll be even more better and etc. As time goes on, I want to be more like Jesus. The more like Jesus I am, the less impatient I will be. The less selfish and frustrated.

And just like that, I avoided God to watch a movie and he used the movie anyway. After the movie I WANTED to spend time in prayer. Just thanking God for his grace. I was humbled by his love. I am humbled that he gave me such a gracious loving husband. Humbled that he doesn't think I'm a bad mom or wife. God really is gentle. Why I choose to run from him ever is a mystery really. I suppose it's because I listen to Satan and then attribute that voice to God. But that's not who God is. He is love. He is grace. He is gentle. He may rebuke me from time to time but each time it has never felt unloving. It always makes me want to run to him instead of away.

AUGUST 15, 2014 - DAY 66 (Religion VS. Relationship..)

So comes up the topic of religion VS. relationship again. It's OBVIOUS God is trying to teach me something. I know I still struggle with some religious areas but I didn't know how bad!

Today I listened to a sermon that was specifically on this topic....religion VS. relationship. One thing the pastor said REALLY caught my attention. I don't know word for word, but he basically said:

"Religion obeys to be accepted. Relationship means you are accepted and therefore obey."

Okay this is truth. I don't think I have to be good enough for God. At least not on a whole. Sometimes I still struggle with this mentality of being frustrated that I messed up again and again and again. But overall I know I'm saved by grace. Relationship.

So why was I struggling and feeling convicted today? Because I still obey God out of duty and not love. I know I should be telling my neighbours about Jesus but I barely am. When I do, it's likely more out of duty than love for Jesus.

I realized that if I TRULY understood what God did for me and if I was truly thankful, I'd live a completely different life. I wouldn't be ashamed of the gospel with strangers. I'd be telling EVERYBODY the good news. Because why wouldn't I? But of course, since I'm not overflowing with thankfulness and because I don't truly grasp what God has done for me...I keep quiet. I don't share and when I do it's because I feel like I should and not because of love for God or for the people.

So what's the solution? Well I can't force myself to be thankful or 'to get it'. I can't force myself to love God more or people more. So all I can really do is get on my knees and ask God to change my heart. To help me understand why he's truly done for me. To help me be thankful. To help me love him and others. Only he can change me. So I ask. And I keep on asking until he answers me. Because it feels like he HAS to answer me. Hopefully in the way I desire...which I think it what he desires anyway. It is to my understanding that he wants me to love him and others and to be thankful for what he's done and to be overjoyed. So that is what I'll keep praying for. I hope to see some tangible changes in my spiritual life in this area as time goes on.

AUGUST 11 - AUGUST 14, 2014 - DAY 62-65

Obviously it has been a few days since I have written. I was away for 3 days and yesterday was playing catch up. So today I need to write FOUR days worth! Here we go...

AUGUST 11 - DAY 62

I went back and read Luke 4. I am technically in Luke 11 in the sermon series I am in...but I wanted to go back and read some more. I heard a guy once say that he wants to emulate Jesus and therefore should do what Jesus does. Well God ALSO told me to not only sit at Jesus' feet while he teaches but also to look at his life and see that as a teaching. Watch him. What does he do? Who does he talk to? How does he talk to them? When does he wake up? How does he spend his time? Etc. So I went back to Luke 4 and read about Jesus teaching in Nazareth (his home town). Here he is rejected because he says not only is he here for the Jews but also the Gentiles. I LOVE LOVE LOVE why he came to the earth:

Luke 4:18-19

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
19     to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Everything in these verses is positive. There is no guilt. No condemnation. Only positive things. God is good! After teaching this and explaining that he is here for the Gentiles and Jews, the Israelite's get mad. But Jesus just teaches unabashedly. He teaches the truth no matter what. It angered some people. But he spoke it anyway because they needed to hear it.

So lesson of the day:  Jesus is SUPER amazing and positive and only came to earth for good reasons AND Jesus taught the truth without shame. He told it like it is. He didn't mince his words or hide the truth. He just taught it like it is. I think I knew both of these lessons already but how neat to re-read it and see HOW Jesus goes about his teaching.  

AUGUST 12 - DAY 63

On this day I did the same as yesterday. I read the rest of Luke 4 and learned from Jesus. In the two stories I read, here is what happened. In the first story Jesus heals a man from being demon possessed. What I learned in this story is that Jesus taught with authority - again he didn't shy away from the truth. He knew what was true and taught it with the authority he had (which we now have as Jesus' followers) AND that he had authority over demons. Again I KNOW these things, but to just read Jesus doing his thing so confidently without shame, without shying away, without being wishy-washy. He knew who he was and he owned it. In the second story Jesus heals many people late into the night. Then the next morning he gets up early to be alone with God. The lesson here? It's more important to spend time with God than it is to sleep. He was likely tired, but God sustained him. 

AUGUST 13 - DAY 64

This day was a total write off. I was SO tired and was listening to lies from the devil all day. I was a totoal mess emotionally and not in a good place. I chose to spend my hour just listening to worship music in hopes of coming to a place of worship. The one silver lining was that I thought about how despite the lies I was believing about myself, I could still worship God for who he is. Because I was able to worship God I was reminded by God that if I can worship him for who he is (loving, holy, good, gracious, etc.), then what I believe about myself (the lies) HAVE to be lies because God wouldn't say those things to me if he is who he says he is. Anyway, I know what I was believing were lies but sometimes it is so hard to battle that. I felt much better today and I think sleep helps that A LOT.

AUGUST 14 - DAY 65 (today!)

I listened to a sermon today about prayer. The pastor asked a few questions.

1) Am I praying my will or God's will? 

2) Am I willing to pray and live my life based on what God wants and for his glory instead of what I want?

3) Do I give up on prayer when I don't see results? 

4) Do I seek out results for my prayers? (Ask, SEEK knock)

Anyway lots of good questions. Do I look at God as a geine there to just answer my questions or am I genuinely living for what HE wants. I know the answer. I know I look at him and expect him to answer my prayers EVEN if I think my prayers are not selfish. I am not asking for fancy cars or lots of money or anything. But I know I am still more selfish than I'd normally like to admit. Much confessing still to come. I don't want to live for me...and yet I obviously do. Ohhh a long way to go on this journey. Thankfully God is gracious. I think I can end EVERY blog post with that same reminder to myself.