Lately I've been feeling like I don't want God. Like I don't want to put in the effort and like I see no results anyway. I feel burdened by religion and I constantly fall into the trap of believing lies. I spent 'some time' with God earlier in the day by preparing my testimony for sharing it in front of church. But the time didn't feel like I connected with God. So by the evening time I thought I should do more. But I didn't want to. So I chose to watch a movie instead.
I watched the movie 'Mom's Night Out'. The movie is about a mom who has 3 kids and is totally stressed out in life. Her house is a disaster and her kids are....kids. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and now that she is, she doesn't feel happy. Well talk about me relating. I only have 1 kid and I am SO tired and not often happy. I do what I do because I have to. Besides my husband, who works, there is nobody else to watch my son. And I wouldn't want to put him in daycare anyway. But I'm not fulfilled. I often get annoyed when my son gets into things. Why does he have to touch EVERYTHING? I get so annoyed with him. Anyway, it's not his fault, he's 22 months old. I just need more Jesus - obviously.
So as I watched this movie, God used the movie. He used it to show me that I don't need to be perfect. I can't be the perfect mother. I will make mistakes. My house won't always be clean. I may not always be able to whip up super healthy meals. I may not always look well put together or even be able to shower. I may get frustrated or impatient. I may be selfish. I'm not saying it's okay to sin. BUT it IS okay to sin. I am not advocating that people are allowed to sin and this is right or okay. But what I am saying is that God is gracious. I don't want to abuse this grace but I can't be perfect Mom. I can't be perfect wife. But I CAN spend time with God daily and allow him to change me. Hopefully a year from now I'll be a better mom and wife. Hopefully 5 years down the road I'll be even more better and etc. As time goes on, I want to be more like Jesus. The more like Jesus I am, the less impatient I will be. The less selfish and frustrated.
And just like that, I avoided God to watch a movie and he used the movie anyway. After the movie I WANTED to spend time in prayer. Just thanking God for his grace. I was humbled by his love. I am humbled that he gave me such a gracious loving husband. Humbled that he doesn't think I'm a bad mom or wife. God really is gentle. Why I choose to run from him ever is a mystery really. I suppose it's because I listen to Satan and then attribute that voice to God. But that's not who God is. He is love. He is grace. He is gentle. He may rebuke me from time to time but each time it has never felt unloving. It always makes me want to run to him instead of away.
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