JULY 31, 2014 - DAY 51 (early morning prayers)

This morning I woke up around 4am and had a hard time falling back asleep. So typically when I can't sleep I spend time in prayer. Well my time lasted at least an hour. Sometimes I listen for God to lead me in my prayers and they come out very specific. For instance, I may all of a sudden remember somebody from way in my past and think that their mother died. Well I have NO idea if this is true or not. So I pray about that anyway. It may end up being a total waste of time (assuming that their mother did not die)....or maybe not. I don't know and I may never know.

I also spent time in prayer for things that I KNOW need prayer. Anyway, nothing major in today's hour. I didn't learn anything, I'm not sure I heard God's voice and I didn't worship a whole lot. Some days I wish my hour was much more obvious in terms of drawing closer to God. But so be it. I carry on.

Maybe later today I'll still read my Bible or a book or spend time worshipping God. Who knows.

JULY 30, 2014 - DAY 50 (Faith and Submission)

Hebrews 11:1 -  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

James 2:17 - In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Tonight was all about faith. I have faith in God and therefore I am a Christian. I have assurance that one day when I die, I'll be in Heaven. But I also have the assurance that since I am a follower of Christ, I also have God with me all the time.

As I was thinking about faith and Hebrews 11:1, I was thinking about faith in other areas of Christianity. Do I truly have faith that God heals? If I did, I would be praying over people more often for sure. I very rarely pray over strangers who need prayer for a healing because I don't have the faith they will be healed. If I believed they would be healed but didn't pray, my faith is actually dead. (See James 2) You can't have faith without action. Action is just an outcome of the faith. 

Tonight I was also challenged on areas where I have not submitted to God. I won't post my list because it's personal to me. But there are definitely areas God wants me to submit. Some areas are easier to submit than others. But some areas are SO difficult to submit. I've held onto things for YEARS. One thing is for sure, I can't just submit without God's help! But that doesn't mean I sit around waiting for him to do something while I do nothing. It's a partnership. So my plan is to do my best to submit in the moment when I know he is asking me to and also to seek after him daily and ask for help daily or as often as I think of it. This will be difficult but with His help, they are possible. Life would be a lot better if I just submitted...so why I am so stubborn and hold on is beyond me. It's really dumb actually.

JULY 29, 2014 - DAY 49 (hard teachings...)

Luke 6:37-49

Judging Others

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

39 He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40 The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.

41 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

A Tree and Its Fruit

43 “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44 Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

The Wise and Foolish Builders

46 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? 47 As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. 48 They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49 But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

Sometimes all I want to do in my blog is write out Scripture and that's it. What else is needed. They speak for themselves. I have to say....the above verses are so difficult for me. Man JESUS teaches some hard truths. I know they're good but man oh man...convicting! Sometimes I like to ignore some of his teachings and hold true to others....the easier ones, but I can't do this. These are verses I wish I could run from. 

Like this....I'd love to ignore this:

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Or this..

41 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye

And especially THIS!!

46 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say

Talk about a stab to the heart. Sometimes I read the Bible and wonder if I'm actually a Christian. If Christian means FOLLOWER of Christ....am I following? Ugh not very well. I struggle between wanting to follow Jesus so badly because I love him and want to do what he says.....and ignoring a lot of what he says because it scares me or makes me uncomfortable. I can't ignore half of what he teaches though.

So what is the lesson here? The lesson is that I need to get on my face once again and stop ignoring scripture and get right with God. To get to a place where I say "Yes Lord" NO MATTER WHAT. But all I want to do is run :( 

JULY 28. 2014 - DAY 48 (Loving Enemies)

(Luke 6:27-36)     Love for Enemies 

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

I REALLY struggle with these verses. Because often I struggle to love the people who are closest to me never mind those who are my enemy. Of course I feel a strong emotional connection to them...but if we look at what love is based on 1 Corinthians 13, I struggle. I'm very impatient with my son. I'm not always kind to my husband. I envy people around me often. I am ridiculously proud in many ways. These things show I am not being loving. And this is to the people CLOSEST to me. How am I supposed to love people who are rude, evil, mean, etc?

Awhile ago somebody said some very hurtful things to me and I know I haven't forgiven them yet. I would like to think I have, but I haven't. This person isn't somebody super close to me but is also not just somebody I don't really have a relationship with either. I know I haven't forgiven them because I often judge them for their actions, lifestyle, choices, etc. whereas prior to the hurtful things said, I don't know that I did. At least not to this extent!

I know Jesus gives practical advice here on how to do this. If somebody does this, then do that! But I think a lot of it has to do with the heart. I can do good to somebody by action but not like them in my heart and mind. So am I really loving them? No. So how do we come to love people who are our enemies? Well the only thing I can think of is daily ask God to help us to die to ourselves (if you're dead...not physically but in the Biblical sense, then you can't be offended) and ask the Holy Spirit for help. Maybe it'll be a difficult thing to do at first and in the moment we'll have to ask for help. We may struggle awhile but who knows, maybe it'll become easy.

I love teachings like this (although they are ridiculously difficult to follow) because it shows us who God is. We are asked to love our enemies because God does. He died for all of us while we were still his enemy. He could of killed the men who crucified him but he went to the cross silently. 

Oh how the world would change if Christians acted this out daily. God help us. Help us to die to ourselves and live like you did in human form. Help me to love not only those around me who are close to me but also my enemies. Help me to forgive people when they wrong me. Help me to pray for those who persecute me. Help me to bless those who curse me. Help me to pray for those who mistreat me. Let me love like you did to everybody around me. I certainly cannot love like this without your help. 

JULY 27, 2014 - DAY 47 (Questions)

Tonight I was reading 2 chapters in The End of Religion and it left me with some questions.

1) Was it difficult for the disciples to go from a very religious upbringing (Jewish religion/culture) to the relationship with Jesus? Was it hard for them to let go of their religion?

I pondered this as I thought about my religious spirit. How did the disciples get rid of their religion? Because they didn't just stop doing rituals and following rules, etc. they would of had to change their mindset. So the next question is:

2) Did the disciples go from a religious lifestyle to a relationship lifestyle because they encountered Jesus or was it with the help of the Holy Spirit or both? Or maybe something else??

I wondered because I still have some religious thoughts and tendencies I need to let go of. Will I let go of these more and more as I encounter Jesus more and more? I hope so.

I THINK I'm becoming less religious as I spend more time with God....but I also tend to look at things I still struggle with as opposed to the things God has worked on in me. So by focusing on the negative things I still see how religious I can be. Well it's good to be aware of shortcomings and what God can still work on....these shortcomings don't define me and I should celebrate what God has done and is doing in my life.

Another question that came up for me is...

3) How can I KNOW God?

I wonder because there is a difference between reading about God and knowing ABOUT him and actually KNOWING him. I can read about a celebrity but not know them.

So the obvious answer the question 3 is by talking with God and having a relationship. Well this led to question #4...

4) How do I talk with God and hear his voice?

It's easy to talk TO God but to listen for him is hard.

I find it easier to hear God when I sit down and am still and have no distractions and can write down stuff. But in everyday life when I am out and about and want to hear God but can't just sit down and be silent....I don't hear him often! So this is something me and God have to figure out. Well....maybe I need to figure it out and he already knows! haha.

Anyway....lot of questions tonight and lots more thinking, praying, seeking to find the answers.

JULY 26, 2014 - DAY 46 (word)

It seems as though lately God really wants to teach me about relationship with Him VS religion. Somehow despite not being taught 'religion' I've become religious. Even my hour a day with the Lord has been religious at times. It's SO easy to slip into religion. But it is so hard to get out of that mind set AND religion is so hard to follow. It's exhausting. Maybe that's why I've been so exhausted lately! (Although that has been lifting slowly - thank you God!)

So I've been slowly reading a book called 'The End of Religion' by Bruxy Cavey. What a life changing book. The three chapters I read tonight didn't seem as if they necessarily go together. Then I thought about it and they ALL go together.

The first chapter I read was about how Jesus was the Word of God. I always just took this as Jesus being God's mouth in physical form. Although true, Jesus was so much more. He was the embodiment of everything God has been telling people from the beginning. It's as if Jesus was the 'show' of what God has been 'telling". Jesus also walked out his talk too.  The chapter also discussed that although the Bible is extremely important...we don't go to it for the sake of knowing the Bible. We read the Bible in order to know Jesus. Anybody can study the Bible and not know Jesus. But since the Bible points to Jesus....hopefully we read it in order to go to Jesus. 

John 5:39 - "You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me!"

I know I've been guilty of this before! I read the Scriptures out of duty and not out of a heart to come to Jesus. YIKES! Anyway this chapter was a good reminder to me. 

The next chapter was about how God wants to have a relationship with us and not just the law. That out of love we do things for God and not out of duty. See the connection with the last chapter? 

The last chapter is how we should get back to the garden. How because of thanks to Jesus, we can live as if we are in the garden. Of course we HAVE sinned, but we have the ability to talk with God. To relate with him. To commune with him. To be with him. We can walk in the cool of the evening with God as Adam and Eve did. Again....relationship not religion.

What a breath of fresh air. Obviously this information still needs to go from my head to my heart...because God continually is teaching me this lesson right now in life. It's sort of exhausting to go through but so worth it. Sometimes I want to move onto the next lesson but then there wouldn't be life change. So once this lesson goes from my head to my heart I am sure we'll move onto the next life lesson. Like I have said in the past....sanctification can be a painfully slow process! 

Anyway....good lesson Lord. I don't want religion, I want YOU. I want to read the Bible so I can come to YOU! Help me with this. I don't want this to be a religious lesson for me. I want to come to you daily....moment by moment and just do life with you. 

JULY 25, 2014 - DAY 45 (Blessed/Woes)

Luke 6:20-26

“Blessed are you who are poor,
    for yours is the kingdom of God.
21 Blessed are you who hunger now, (Matthew 5 adds "for righteousness"
    for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
    for you will laugh.
22 Blessed are you when people hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil,because of the Son of Man.

23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets.

24 “But woe to you who are rich,
    for you have already received your comfort.
25 Woe to you who are well fed now,
    for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
    for you will mourn and weep.
26 Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you,
    for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.

Hmm. I went through this list and feel like I fall so short of the one who is blessed. I know I am still proud in spirit in many ways. I know I don't always hunger for righteousness. I know I don't always weep over my sins and have such regrets. Very few times in my life have I been hated/excluded/insulted/rejected because I love Jesus....

So what can I do? I fall at the mercy of Jesus and lay at his feet and say sorry and ask for help. That's basically all I can ever do. Because I fall short ALL the time. Because I need help ALL the time. I want to be the blessed person described above not for the rewards (although look at the list....the rewards are AMAZING) but because it'll mean I am more like Jesus and living as I ought to. Sanctification is a painfully slow process. I wish God would speed it up for me!! But thankfully he is working on me and will be faithful to complete what he started in me when I reach Heaven. But why oh why am I still struggling with the same old same old? 

Romans 7:21-25 

21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

JULY 24, 2014 - DAY 44 (Bold prayers)

Tonight I spent some time in prayer. I decided instead of bringing my major list of things and people that need prayer to the table that instead I would ask the Holy Spirit what I should pray and for who. A lot of the prayers were 'typical' until I got to one couple. I prayed a very bold prayer for them and was overcome with boldness when praying for them and really believing what I was praying. Instead of praying things and hoping they'd come true, I prayed expecting this to be true. Perhaps maybe that is when I really started to hear the Holy Spirit....or maybe he just gave me the faith for this specific prayer. Either way...I believe what I was saying in the prayer and expect great things to come. I won't say who I prayed for or what out of privacy for them....but God is good and he is going to change the world through this couple. I gotta pray like this more often - bold prayers and with faith.

JULY 23, 2014 - DAY 43 (Jesus)

Today's sermon covered a LOT of ground....all about Jesus and it was SO good. We covered Luke 4:31-6:19....here is a summary of what happened:

-Jesus heals a demon possessed man
-Jesus heals Simon's mother of her fever
-Jesus heals a bunch of people and demon possessed people
-Jesus calls Simon Peter to be his disciple and performs a miracle with fish
-Jesus heals a man with leprosy
-Jesus heals a paralytic
-Jesus calls Levi (Matthew) the tax collector to be his disciple
-Jesus teaches the Pharisees about fasting
-Jesus teaches the Pharisees about the Sabbath and heals a man with a withered hand
-Jesus prays all night and officially chooses his 12 disciples

Jesus did a whole lot of healing. Show AND tell. His #1 goal was to teach people about the Father and grace and have people reconciled to God. But while doing that, he showed God's love in a tangible way...by healing them. He tells people the good news and backs it up with healing. Jesus is so cool.

ALSO some important things to note.....although Jesus was very busy and people constantly wanted his attention and needed his healing, etc. he always withdrew to be alone with the Father...

Luke 4:42 - At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place. 

Luke 5:16 - But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Luke 6:12 - One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray and spent the night praying to God. 

Jesus had a mission and he could of been busy 24/7. There is always somebody to heal, always somebody to tell about the good news of God, always work to be done. But even Jesus NEEDED to go off on his own. What dedication. He even spent a night praying. If Jesus needs to spend so much time in prayer...how much more do I need to do!

Anyway Jesus is pretty cool. I love that he came for the sick and not the well (spiritually). Because that's me!! I love how he abolishes religion and everything is about the heart. I love the cross and what he did there. I just love him :)

JULY 22, 2014 - DAY 42 (Beautiful)

Not much to write today. I listened to a sermon on Luke 4 about Jesus being rejected in his home town Nazareth. I love that he tells people that he is the Messiah through reading Scripture form Isaiah and the people are not upset. However they get upset when Jesus essentially tells them what kind of Messiah he will be. He has come not just for the Jews but the Gentiles too. He won't be the Messiah they expect. I love it. They obviously didn't since they tried to kill him and weren't able to. 

Later I rocked out to this song and loved it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGBIlzEVfo

I love how beautiful God is. The sermon fits with the song because of just how beautiful Jesus is. 

Luke 4:18-19 -  "The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
19     to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

How great is THIS! AND the other good news is that this is our job now too since we too have the Spirit. LOVE IT!

JULY 21, 2014 - DAY 41 (Jesus the ultimate example)

Some days I genuinely don't know what to write. I didn't have anything life altering happen today during my hour and I didn't necessarily learn anything new. I didn't hear God so obvious and I didn't have my emotions altered or my heart turned to worship so easily. It just was.

I heard a sermon on Jesus' temptations in the wilderness. One thing I really liked hearing (and was reminded of..) was that Jesus was always a one track mind kind of man. He was always focused on the Father and doing the Father's work. This got me thinking about my life and how I'm not one track minded. I worry about cleaning the house and taking care of my son and if I get enough alone time with my husband. I think of all the errands we need to run, the stuff we have to get done before the baby is born and hanging out with friends. Even though we can't escape what needs to be done in life (we can't avoid work and errands, etc.) BUT it can still be all for the glory of God. It can still be while listening to the Holy Spirit. Maybe while I run my errands, I can worship the Lord and maybe he has a mission for me. Who knows? If I wasn't so focused on me and what I need to do....and rather focused on him, maybe I'd hear him more. Maybe I would do his work more. Maybe I'd have more joy and less stress.

Besides Jesus being one track minded and a good example, I was also reminded of the fact that although Jesus IS God, he didn't act out in his Godness when on earth. He acted out only as human. Which is GREAT NEWS! Because if Jesus acted as he did as God, then I would have nothing to try to strive toward. I'll never be God after all. But since EVERYTHING Jesus did was as a man in relationship with the Father and the help of the Holy Spirit...that means I too can live like Jesus.

So what did I get out of today's hour? The fact that I need to be focused on God and ONLY God throughout the day and that I can be like Jesus and do as he did with the intimacy I have with the Father and the help of the Holy Spirit. Just some good reminders today.

JULY 20, 2014 - DAY 40 (Gospel)

Ha I just laughed as I read today's title because 40 is a significant # in the Bible. Jesus was in the desert for 40 days before starting his ministry and fasted. (how somebody goes 40 days without food is crazy to me...). 

"Mentioning 146 times in Scripture, the number 40 generally symbolizes a period of testing, trial or probation" -http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/40.html

I wonder if I could look at the past 40 days and see it as a period of testing, trial or probation. Hopefully it would only be 40 days and not 40 years!! (Israelite's in the desert wandering around in punishment...)

I'd love it if my exhaustion lifted today. Can that count as testing? Well I've had it longer than the past 40 days....

I certainly wouldn't say spending the hour with God has been a period of testing, trial or probation. But it has certainly be hard. Some days I have no motivation (like today) and just do the hour out of discipline and because I told God I would. Other days I am eager to learn. Rarely do I go in expecting to hear God...which is dumb because I should always expect to hear his voice. The hours have been hard because it's caused me to look at myself and see how much I need to repent and change. NOW that being said, the hours have been good because I've been reminded over and over of the Gospel and how I can't clean myself up for God. I've also been reminded in my exhaustion that my worth is not found in what I do but rather who God has made me. 

Today's sermon was the simple Gospel. Truthfully although I was listening...I was preoccupied. I've heard the Gospel a 1000 times. I get bored. Which is dumb because I should be thankful every time I am reminded of it because it reminds me again of God's goodness. I didn't even know what I was going to writer in today's post because what is there to really say? But then I saw the 40 and laughed. 

I'd also like to point this out...

"It rained for 40 days and 40 nights when God wanted to cleanse the world and start over." http://www.40day.com/40_in_the_bible.html

Perhaps today's message was actually perfect for me. Although I didn't know it at the time. Perhaps it is reminding me in my 40 days thus far that again I can't do anything to clean myself up. I can't conjure up a better attitude, more attempts to be better, to hear God on my own, to want God more, etc. I'll be honest, I wish I wanted God more. Some days I long for him and other days I don't really care. Days like today, where I barely care....I feel bad! But I can't just change my attitude. The only thing that will change my mind is God himself. That doesn't mean I sit around and do nothing. People in the Bible still had to do things. I can't sit around and say "Well God...change me!" and do nothing. So I continue to spend my hour a day with the Lord in hopes that he will change me. I wish it was a faster process but it is painfully slow. But in the last 40 days I have a slightly better understanding of the Gospel as the TRUE Gospel and not a religious mindset. I hope one day I get it fully because striving is tiring.

JULY 19, 2014 - DAY 39 (feeble worship)

Today started out pretty bad. I was awake for an hour from 5-6am and was very tired when I had to get up for the day. I found myself snippy with my husband, feeling insulted and taking things personally when he didn't even say anything insulting and feeling impatient and frustrated with my son.

Exhaustion sucks. At least yesterday was a good day! So today started out pretty bad. I feel like world's worst wife and mom. Why do I have to let everything bother me?? Thankfully my son is young and seems to forget things quickly....or is much more forgiving than I know. I'm also very blessed with a supportive husband who doesn't take things personally when I get snippy.

So nap time came...and I napped and it was good. Sleep helps a lot....but I still wake up exhausted many times. When I woke up I knew I needed to do my God hour but had nothing much to give. So I stayed in my bed and put on worship music and rested. I apologized to God (again!!) for my attitude and actions and asked for help (again!!). I also asked for help to worship him. I want to be the person who worships no matter what is going on in life. NO MATTER WHAT. 

Habakuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

This is my desire. So I worshipped. It may not look like it does all the time but I worshipped in tears. I worshipped with what little strength I had. I was able to put myself in a worship posture for a small amount of a song and then went back to a laying down position. There was no dancing. I barely raised my hands. But I was able to say that God is good despite my situation. I don't know how people who are truly going through tough situations do it. By God's mercy. I realize my situation is NOTHING compared to what some people go through...but for me this is tough. Very tough. My exhaustion is affecting every area of my life and I feel like my life is a major battle ground spiritually right now. The devil gets the upper hand sometimes when I give in and get frustrated or snippy. But then I turn to God and throw myself at his feet for mercy and God gets the upper hand. Thank God that in the end God wins the war.

JULY 18, 2014 - DAY 38 (Fruits?)

When Jesus lived on the earth, he constantly had people following him around. He was constantly bombarded by crowds and a lot of them seemed keen to follow him. The feeding of the 5000 was likely more like 20000 when you count women and children too. 20000! That is a lot of people. Then when he died....he had 120 followers. How did it go from thousands down to 120? People got scared. Would they also be killed for following Jesus?

So I thought to myself...would I TRULY still follow Christ if physical persecution came to Canada. Could I honestly follow Jesus if I was beaten daily? Could I follow him to death? I so desperately want to say yes...but I don't know. I can only hope and pray and grow in Christ IN CASE something drastic happens here. What about if everything terrible happened in my life. Could I still follow God? If everybody I loved died and if I lost my house, possessions and income.....would I still follow God or would I blame him? Could I be like Job? I doubt it. It's so easy to blame God despite the fact that things like that aren't his doing.

Gosh I wish I was so strong in God that I could say "YES!!! I AM ALL IN NO MATTER WHAT!" But I don't think I'm truly there.

I did a self-examination tonight. Do I have fruit in my life? Am I growing in God? Or am I only kidding myself? I will ask my husband after this where he sees I have grown in my life....but where I can improve too. Let's be honest, I can easily name areas I can improve on:

pride
control
fear (though this has improved)
forgiveness

and so forth.

BUT the good news is that I do see growth too.

I am less fearful then I used to be
Things of this world aren't AS enticing as they used to be
I give more than I used to
I'm not as controlling as I used to be (again this area still needs great improvement)
I think I trust God more then I used to (I think...)
I barely lust any more compared to my sketchy past. This is still not 100%...but again it has improved significantly.

So there are areas of growth. Thankfully God has not left me to do work on my own. I don't think I'd see improvements...or barely anyway. It's nice to see that although there is lots to work on still....some areas in my life have improved! Hurray! God IS working on me!

At the end of the self-examination I was left feeling like I am lacking. I still want more of God. I don't know how to get more of Him....but I want more. I feel as though I still do things in begrudging submission as opposed to joy. I still feel very religious when that is not what God is about. I need a more personal relationship. I need to hear his voice more. I need to understand who he is and who I am. What am I doing? Is he really worth it? People are dying for God....so why is he worth it? You know I know the answer in my head but I fear by heart doesn't know it yet. It again comes back to persecution.....would I be 1 of the 120? Or am I one of the 10000s who abandoned Jesus when times get tough. I want to be all in and I feel sad because I fear I'm not yet. As I end many posts....God help me.

JULY 17, 2014 - DAY 37 (All for Him)

The Supremacy of the Son of God

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the first-born over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.  He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.  And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the first-born from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.  For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—  if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. (Colossians 1:15-23)

The reality is that EVERYTHING is by God, for God and to God. Nothing is for us. Nothing can be done by us without God. We are nothing compared to Him. Look at how good Jesus is. Then look at us. Perhaps we don't feel evil because we compare ourselves to murderers or rapists or really evil people. But compared to God? We are SO evil. Nothing in the text says ANYTHING about us being good. The only reason we are reconciled is because of Jesus. Lest we forget this. Lest we forget that we too are saved by grace and no better than others who we think are super evil and un-savable. 

My Mom reminded me today that I need to worship God whether I feel like it or not. Whether I have any energy to do so or not. Of course I don't want to do things for God in begrudging submission...I want to do it our of love. But lately with being so exhausted it has been hard. I'm not going to lie. I spend a lot of my prayer time asking God for help to get through the day. My exhaustion is extreme. Sometimes I am unsure of how I will make the day. Today I was afraid I'd sit my son in front of the TV...ALL DAY. I didn't - thank God. But I would of if I absolutely had to. But God gave me the strength to take my son outside for a few hours. We need to worship whether we want to or not. Because God deserves it. I'll leave it at that. So this week I will try to worship God, whether I feel like it or not, because he is worthy, even in tough times.