When Jesus lived on the earth, he constantly had people following him around. He was constantly bombarded by crowds and a lot of them seemed keen to follow him. The feeding of the 5000 was likely more like 20000 when you count women and children too. 20000! That is a lot of people. Then when he died....he had 120 followers. How did it go from thousands down to 120? People got scared. Would they also be killed for following Jesus?
So I thought to myself...would I TRULY still follow Christ if physical persecution came to Canada. Could I honestly follow Jesus if I was beaten daily? Could I follow him to death? I so desperately want to say yes...but I don't know. I can only hope and pray and grow in Christ IN CASE something drastic happens here. What about if everything terrible happened in my life. Could I still follow God? If everybody I loved died and if I lost my house, possessions and income.....would I still follow God or would I blame him? Could I be like Job? I doubt it. It's so easy to blame God despite the fact that things like that aren't his doing.
Gosh I wish I was so strong in God that I could say "YES!!! I AM ALL IN NO MATTER WHAT!" But I don't think I'm truly there.
I did a self-examination tonight. Do I have fruit in my life? Am I growing in God? Or am I only kidding myself? I will ask my husband after this where he sees I have grown in my life....but where I can improve too. Let's be honest, I can easily name areas I can improve on:
pride
control
fear (though this has improved)
forgiveness
and so forth.
BUT the good news is that I do see growth too.
I am less fearful then I used to be
Things of this world aren't AS enticing as they used to be
I give more than I used to
I'm not as controlling as I used to be (again this area still needs great improvement)
I think I trust God more then I used to (I think...)
I barely lust any more compared to my sketchy past. This is still not 100%...but again it has improved significantly.
So there are areas of growth. Thankfully God has not left me to do work on my own. I don't think I'd see improvements...or barely anyway. It's nice to see that although there is lots to work on still....some areas in my life have improved! Hurray! God IS working on me!
At the end of the self-examination I was left feeling like I am lacking. I still want more of God. I don't know how to get more of Him....but I want more. I feel as though I still do things in begrudging submission as opposed to joy. I still feel very religious when that is not what God is about. I need a more personal relationship. I need to hear his voice more. I need to understand who he is and who I am. What am I doing? Is he really worth it? People are dying for God....so why is he worth it? You know I know the answer in my head but I fear by heart doesn't know it yet. It again comes back to persecution.....would I be 1 of the 120? Or am I one of the 10000s who abandoned Jesus when times get tough. I want to be all in and I feel sad because I fear I'm not yet. As I end many posts....God help me.
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