For as long as I can remember, I've had a hard time calling God "Dad". It was too personal for me. I could refer to God as Father but I would never call him father. It seemed odd. Today I was able to say "Daddy". Here's what happened.
I listened to a sermon on Luke 2. The sermon went through Jesus' birth and the shepherds visiting Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Then somehow the pastor went from that story to how much we suck compared to God. He gave examples of people in the Bible who know their position before God and how God doesn't correct them. The reality is that we are scum compared to who God is. BUT somehow he still loves us.
He does't love us because we're so good. He loves us because of his grace.
Anyway, after the sermon I was feeling bad because I know I should spend time in prayer professing God as amazing and admitting my lowly position...but it didn't feel real to me. I didn't feel like I could pray it and mean it. The stupid thing is in my head I KNOW how amazing God is compared to me. I realize I am the puss of his zit. The maggots in dog poop. That's me. That's us compared to God.
I'm still SO religious. I should be so thankful for God's love and how much he has done for me....despite me and yet somehow I don't feel this undying love for him. Why don't I get it. Why do I know the gospel in my head and not have it drop to my heart??? I HATE WHERE I AM AT. I just want to get it. To TRULY get it. I just want to understand what God has done for me. Because if I truly got it...I'd live differently. I likely would rarely be prideful or judgemental. But those are 2 of my biggest struggles.
So I wrote out a prayer and asked God for help. To help me get it. As I wrote it, I DID feel small. I felt like a little child who needs their Dad to help them. I felt like these kids:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Jpb2_YdxYM
Lately my son has been waking up in the middle of the night and has not been able to put himself back to sleep. Through his crying he manages to say "momma" "dadda"? he wants us. He needs us in that moment. And we always go. He's not doing it just for attention. He's doing it because he's scared and he needs comfort. That's how I felt today. So I cried out to my Daddy. My Heavenly Daddy. I need him. I feel so small. I feel helpless. I can't get past my religious spirit by my own power. I can't just change my mind. I can't try harder. I need my Dad's help. So I cried out and he ALWAYS answers the call. So I will wait for the help I need from him. But he will come to my rescue because he's my Dad and he's my hero.
No comments:
Post a Comment