Hmmm I'm not really sure how to write out my thoughts as where I ended up is different than the sermon I listened to. But I'll just write (kind of like blabbing) and see how this goes.
So I listened to a sermon in Luke 1 about Zechariah naming John (the baptist) and what happens during that time. Even though Zechariah was punished for 9 months by not being able to hear or speak, as soon as Zechariah is able to speak, he praises God.
64 Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue set free, and he began to speak, praising God.
Who praises God when rebuked? I always feel stupid, even though God doesn't want me to feel that way. I just do. "Oh I messed up again!" is what I think. But Zechariah, maybe because he had 9 months to think about it, is able to praise God when his punishment is over.
I know God punishes us because he loves us. Parents who don't discipline their kids are not doing their kids a favour. Although it can be hard to discipline (as I am learning with my 20 month old son), it needs to be done. It is GOOD for the kid to be disciplined. It is good when God disciplines us.
So the pastor goes through examples in Scripture of people who are disciplined by God and instead of running away from God for feeling stupid, they instead turn to Him. The end result? Transformed lives and joy.
After the sermon, I pondered my life and if there is anything God could discipline me for. I know we are working on my pride and control. This is a daily thing. I also know I need more love and this too is being worked on. But when I thought of those things, they didn't seem like the things that needed addressing in the moment.
Then came my constant other struggle....my addiction to TV and the internet. People may argue I'm not addicted since I don't spend hours upon hours doing either. But I waste a TON of time on both. Even if it is broken up through the day. As I thought about this and whether I need to give them up or not....(I wouldn't give up the internet fully as I use it for banking, communication and of course this blog) but would give up the wasted time on it.
Anyway, if I just give up the TV and the wasted time on the internet, my heart isn't being changed. I'm basically just being religious by trying to fix my own issues and 'be a better Christian' by doing it. But God doesn't want to fix my behaviour. He wants to fix my heart. Fix my heart and my behaviour will change too. So I pondered why I spend so much time wasting time on both. Here is what I came up with:
1) I watch TV or waste time on the internet to numb my mind. Perhaps I had a bad day or don't want to deal with hard things in life, so I numb my mind. I suppose this is what alcoholics do too. They want to forget. Well I want to forget too. So I watch TV and feel better. Or I waste time on the internet and I feel better.
2) To avoid God. I still have a hard time believing God as loving and that I am considered sinless in his mind. I'm waiting for wrath (different from discipline) or shame and so I avoid God. I feel dumb that I make the same mistakes over and over and that I'm still in the same state that I'm in. Why can't I just be a better Christian??" So I avoid God because I am afraid of who I think he is....despite the fact that my HEAD knows he isn't that way...now it's a matter of my heart knowing it too.
3) Lastly, I use TV and internet to avoid being who I am called to be. I could pray more. I could evangelize more. I could be learning more. I could be studying Scripture. And to avoid all of these things, I waste time. I don't always want the responsibilities that come with being a Christian.
So these three things are what I came up with. To just give up TV and the internet and not have God change my heart will just result in me wasting time elsewhere. I know because I gave up FB and quickly took up a stupid internet game. Until my heart is changed, I'll avoid God or numb my mind with something useless or avoid being who I am called to be.
Today during my nap (hours before this sermon and these thoughts), I had a dream. I only remember maybe 3 or 4 seconds of the dream but I was standing in front of a TV screen crying and Jesus was there. I don't remember if he said anything to me but basically I knew he was asking me to give up TV. The neat thing is that the sermon I heard tonight lead me to these thoughts again and it wasn't just a matter of giving them up but rather a heart issue. So I shall continue to work on this with God and HOPEFULLY instead of running from God I run to him and the end result will be joy and a transformed life.
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