Ha I just laughed as I read today's title because 40 is a significant # in the Bible. Jesus was in the desert for 40 days before starting his ministry and fasted. (how somebody goes 40 days without food is crazy to me...).
"Mentioning 146 times in Scripture, the number 40 generally symbolizes a period of testing, trial or probation" -http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/40.html
I wonder if I could look at the past 40 days and see it as a period of testing, trial or probation. Hopefully it would only be 40 days and not 40 years!! (Israelite's in the desert wandering around in punishment...)
I'd love it if my exhaustion lifted today. Can that count as testing? Well I've had it longer than the past 40 days....
I certainly wouldn't say spending the hour with God has been a period of testing, trial or probation. But it has certainly be hard. Some days I have no motivation (like today) and just do the hour out of discipline and because I told God I would. Other days I am eager to learn. Rarely do I go in expecting to hear God...which is dumb because I should always expect to hear his voice. The hours have been hard because it's caused me to look at myself and see how much I need to repent and change. NOW that being said, the hours have been good because I've been reminded over and over of the Gospel and how I can't clean myself up for God. I've also been reminded in my exhaustion that my worth is not found in what I do but rather who God has made me.
Today's sermon was the simple Gospel. Truthfully although I was listening...I was preoccupied. I've heard the Gospel a 1000 times. I get bored. Which is dumb because I should be thankful every time I am reminded of it because it reminds me again of God's goodness. I didn't even know what I was going to writer in today's post because what is there to really say? But then I saw the 40 and laughed.
I'd also like to point this out...
"It rained for 40 days and 40 nights when God wanted to cleanse the world and start over." http://www.40day.com/40_in_the_bible.html
Perhaps today's message was actually perfect for me. Although I didn't know it at the time. Perhaps it is reminding me in my 40 days thus far that again I can't do anything to clean myself up. I can't conjure up a better attitude, more attempts to be better, to hear God on my own, to want God more, etc. I'll be honest, I wish I wanted God more. Some days I long for him and other days I don't really care. Days like today, where I barely care....I feel bad! But I can't just change my attitude. The only thing that will change my mind is God himself. That doesn't mean I sit around and do nothing. People in the Bible still had to do things. I can't sit around and say "Well God...change me!" and do nothing. So I continue to spend my hour a day with the Lord in hopes that he will change me. I wish it was a faster process but it is painfully slow. But in the last 40 days I have a slightly better understanding of the Gospel as the TRUE Gospel and not a religious mindset. I hope one day I get it fully because striving is tiring.
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